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Friday, September 29, 2023

Geraldine of ‘Geraldine’s Pick’ named next UW-Madison chancellor

Geraldine will not be sitting in a cushy office in Bascom Hall.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Geraldine Moser of the University Book Store’s “Geraldine’s Pick” celebrated her 82nd birthday on March 2. A big milestone in itself, a new statement from the University of Wisconsin-Madison indicates that the campus icon received more than well-wishes and a piece of cake on her big day.

“On March 2, Geraldine Moser was informed that she will replace Rebecca Blank as the next chancellor in the storied history of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Having worked on campus for 35 years, Moser was clearly the most qualified candidate. Further, her extensive experience working hands-on with students, staff and the whole Badger community makes her the ideal representative of the university.”

There’s more to Geraldine’s résumé than the statement lets on. According to a Daily Cardinal article from Nov. 2021, prior to joining the University Book Store in 1987, she had careers as a nurse and, later on, a midwife. This makes her well equipped for handling drunk students falling down stairs and young couples who find out that they were way too confident in their pull-out game — both daily occurrences on campus. 

Unlike past chancellors, Geraldine will not be sitting in a cushy office in Bascom Hall. Rather, the office is coming right to the University Book Store. Moser has also elected not to move into the chancellor’s official residence, formally known as the Olin House. Instead, funds have been allocated to replace the cot she keeps in the break room with a Tempur-Pedic mattress. In addition, Moser will also be adding framed photos of her memories at the Book Store over the decades, her Presidential Medal of Freedom, a mahogany cabinet with a shit ton of Jameson in it and a brand-new microwave so she can get her popcorn fix whenever the craving arises. 

The Daily Cardinal attempted to contact Geraldine about her thoughts on the big news, but she was unavailable, as she was saving a family of bunnies from a burning building while wearing a “Teach Me How to Bucky” t-shirt. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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