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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, September 18, 2021
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Centaur Man

Facebook Aunts and Uncles Across the Country Poison Themselves With Livestock Medicine to Own the Libs

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Disclaimer: I fully recognize that this fruit is as low-hanging as it gets, and frankly, it feels like cheating for me to use it as Almanac material. But I had writer’s block, and my only other idea involved vivid descriptions of Ruth Bader Ginsberg banging Antonin Scalia in the Afterlife, so you’re welcome.  

Thanks to Uncle Sam’s efforts to hoard the vaccine from the rest of the world, every American over the age of 12 has access to a safe, effective, and free treatment to prevent them from contracting and spreading the Coronavirus. 

Naturally, Americans are completely ignoring that treatment and instead eating entire packages of their dog’s Heartgard on the advice of a construction worker they went to high school with. 

In a quack effort to prevent or treat COVID-19 as new cases rise, hundreds of Americans, including Joe Rogan, have taken to ingesting Ivermectin, an anti-parasitic drug frequently used in livestock (such as horses). As a result, the American Association of Poison Control Centers have reported a 163% increase in calls for Ivermectin poisoning this year (so far).  

Despite there being little to no clinical evidence of its efficacy, your aunt Linda swears by it.

“Why in the world would I take Biden’s vaccine after he stole the presidency,” she recently commented for no reason on your mom’s recent Facebook post featuring a terrible picture of you. (I suppose confusion is a side-effect.)

But it’s not just Gen X Trump Disciples putting horse-paste onto white bread like spam — some of their kids are doing it too. 

“If someone as smart as Joe Rogan is taking it, there must be something to it,” said Josh White, a UW-Madison student who wouldn’t shut up about crypto-currency during our interview. He then asked, “have you seen my juul anywhere?”

Unfortunately, until further research is done, there’s no good reason to believe that Ivermectin will do anything for Josh or Linda besides make them shit their brains out.

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