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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023
Coffee Coke
Coca Cola w/ Coffee

I Tried Coca-Cola With Coffee So You Don’t Have To

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Ever since they took the caffeine out of Four Loko I’ve yearned for another drink I can buy from a gas station that has a not-insignificant chance of giving me a fatal heart attack. Needless to say, I was thrilled when I heard that Coca-Cola was bringing Coca-Cola with Coffee home to the good ol’ U. S. of A. after offering it abroad for years. 

As a red-blooded American, I don’t really care enough to do any in-depth research concerning what the beverage actually contains, but as far as I’m aware it’s basically just Coke mixed with a Brazillian dark roast — caramel/vanilla flavors also available. Perhaps Coca-Cola is trying to mend its brand image as it relates to South America after, allegedly, funding right-wing paramilitary death squads in Colombia less than 20 years ago.

Speaking of ethical corporations that I love to support, I was able to find the subject of this piece at Walmart. The universe must have really wanted me to try the vanilla one because there was literally only one can of the stuff left in their soda aisle and it was vanilla.

It comes in a very warm-colored version of one of those tall skinny cans that a White Claw comes in, which I guess I’ll score as a point in its favor because it is kind of sexy.

The packaging is by far my favorite part of Coca-Cola with Coffee though, as the liquid inside is, for lack of a better term, not bussin’. 

Granted I’m not a fan of vanilla in the first place which might have skewed my review a bit, but basically what it tasted like to me when it hit my mouth was partially-flat vanilla Coke. After that came an extremely syrupy, medium-roast coffee aftertaste like one might distinguish after taking a sip of the most decorated Starbucks drink you can think of.

Overall, it wasn’t bad enough to trigger my gag reflex, but not good enough for me to really enjoy consuming it. I give it two stars out of five. I will concede that it was significantly better when I put it over ice and that I could see myself acquiring a taste for it if I drank enough of it, but… why?

Don’t just take it from me though. My high-school-aged little sister said before trying it, “that sounds like an anxiety attack,” and after trying it, “I don’t like that.”

Fellow Cardinal Almanac Editor Gillian Rawling said it “tastes like a shitty alcoholic drink without the alcohol.”

In conclusion, Coca-Cola with Coffee is bad and I think that you should just, simply, not buy it.

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