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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022
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Protestors object to quarantine measures on basis of economic impact despite public health concerns.

Mifflin was ‘murican AF this year

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.

These freedom-loving patriots chanted their sexy freedom chants, displayed signs disdaining Evers’ party-pooping tyranny and flew enough American flags to give conservatives everywhere a raging hard-on.

You may be asking yourself questions like ‘Why were they on Capitol Square instead of Mifflin Street?’ ‘Why did they celebrate on Friday instead of Saturday?’ and ‘Where was all the beer?’ 

Well I say stop asking so many questions you tyrant! Just shut the f*ck up and enjoy your freedom like a God-loving American!

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