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Friday, May 27, 2022
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Looking for some good last minute Halloween costumes like "Sexy King Henry VIII" or "Flamingo Run"? Look no further! 

In need of a last-minute Halloween costume? Almanac has you covered!

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

We here at Almanac know the all-too-common struggle of finding the perfect Halloween costume. At this point, the 31st is only a week away! Do you have your costume picked out? If not, you are severely unprepared and should be worried. But don’t fret! The Almanac has generously taken the task upon themselves to brainstorm some unique, last-minute costume ideas that are sure to wow all your friends! Unfortunately we did copyright all of them — but for a small fee of $15.99 you can purchase a one-day license to sport one of our tasty Almanac Halloween looks (proceeds go to our editors’ Venmo  accounts).

1. Flamingo Run

If you don’t know Flamingo Run, what do you know? For those of you in the loop, in order to dress as this iconic UW-Madison one-stop shop, you’ll have to modern-day tar and feather yourself (hey, costuming takes commitment). First, prepare a hot glue gun bath and soak yourself for twenty-three and a half minutes, and not a second more. Immediately after departing the tub, roll in the forty pounds of authentic flamingo feathers that you better have had gathered before you got into the bath. Then, put on some running shoes and grab some of your favorite snacks from your local Flamingo Run. 

2. Chad Wilkinson

Who doesn’t want to be the godfather of the chemistry pre-lab videos? This costume will come together in several easy steps. Step one: get a bowl cut. Step two: tip your barber. Next, acquire a red tie and hand-paint a slightly slanted and very detailed periodic table onto it. Search for a white wife beater that would definitely show through the slightly see-through white button-up shirt that you will be sweating through all night. Lastly, throw on a pair of chemistry goggles, and you’re set! Carry around a test tube or beaker for an added spice.

3. The bruh-schoomf noise that the 80 makes

Alternate spellings include Brshmppp and BshsHkPammoh. We don’t know how you’d dress up as this, but the idea is dope. Maybe just make these weird noises, and people will get it?

4. Chase Winovich

First and foremost, you must look exactly like the Michigan fifth year defensive end. If not, please refer to the other costumes on the list. For this costume, you will need to find a way to get to Boston and break into the Patriots’ locker room. The 80 probably has a route to Massachusetts, so this shouldn’t be a problem. Once there, acquire his authentic jersey and any other accessories that would add to your look. To fully embody Winovich, you must constantly look defeated, embarrassed and inferior when passing a Badger.

5. 2008 Britney

If you are as close to a Britney level meltdown from midterms as we are, this costume shouldn’t be too hard. To start, shave your head and also wear a bald cap just to be safe. Wear a gray zip-up sweatshirt and call an Uber every fifteen minutes as you will need to attack a nearby car with your green umbrella constantly. This costume may be the least cost-effective because you will surely have to cover all of the car damages, but it definitely will be the most entertaining.

6. Wyoming

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Don’t show up to the party because Wyoming doesn’t exist. It’s the perfect costume if midterm season has got you down this Halloweekend.

7. The cockroach that you saw in your apartment’s stairwell

This costume requires some acting skills. Whenever someone’s eyes land on you, act like you have been caught committing a felony and quickly scurry into a nearby small space where no one can catch you. If you can track down a cockroach costume, this production might make more sense. 

8. Sexy Culver’s Employee

Reminisce in your glory days of burger flipping this Halloween — with a sexy twist! Since one out of two Wisconsin residents worked at Culver’s at some point in their lives, acquiring a uniform shouldn’t be too difficult. Get that uniform on, and wear it with pride! Next, undo the top button of your dress shirt, and you’re sure to attract a mate and make them swoon. Mmm, spicy — just like Culver’s signature BBQ sauce!

9. Pre-Malone

Dress up as the rapper Post Malone, but before he looked like a sewer rat. No need to get face tattoos or even release any music (it’s a costume of convenience and practicality really). All you gotta do is dress up as a mildly edgy teen with kind of a pubey mustache. Shouldn’t be too hard!

10. Wando’s fishbowl 

Who doesn’t love a trendy Wando’s fishbowl? For this costume, it is imperative that you become blackout drunk. After that, wear a pink, green or blue morph suit with a bold “Wando’s” written across the breast. Hot glue a straw to a headband, and you’re set!

Group Costume Ideas

1. Sexy King Henry VIII 

If you’ve ever felt the need to embody England’s sexiest king (as we all do from time to time), then now is your chance! To start, begin by wearing a crown, a royal robe and some sexy mideival tights. Next, you will need to marry and divorce six different women – but please do refrain from beheading them. For some extra spice, you may even try splintering from the Catholic Church. It’s the perfect costume to share the word of the Book of Common Prayer and spread the influence of the Church of England. 

2. Light and moths

Dress as one of the most fascinating acts of nature and well-known memes! Gather a large group of friends and designate one “light.” Light: mummify yourself with bright yellow duct tape. Moths: wear a pair of fairy wings that have been doused in mud and violate the personal space of “light.” Depending on how large your group is, you may become a gigantic, impenetrable mass walking through the streets. We advise you to be responsible with this immense power. 

3. The Joker, The Smoker and The Midnight Toker

Who wouldn’t want to dress up as the chorus from the classic Steve Miller Band song. First, to dress up as the Joker, send one person to the store for clown make-up and a red suit, and then stop by Whole Foods to get seaweed which you will use as hair. To be the Smoker, all you have to do is yell for at least four hours in a row so that you lose your voice and gain that neato burrito chain-smoker rasp (because you obviously wouldn’t just smoke cigarettes for this costume, cigarettes are bad for you silly!) Lastly, is the Midnight Toker … we think this term had meaning at some point but the Almanac linguistics team spent 37 whole seconds googling toker and still could not figure it out, so you’re on your own for this one it seems. 

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