There are a ton of ways to talk about pleasure and orgasm, but let’s focus on the three main situations these conversations happen in and how to navigate those.
First: Brunch talk. This scenario is best for having a fairly lengthy chat about pleasure/orgasm/sex. Bringing it up over brunch (or in any non-sexual setting) allows for productive conversation without the pressure of performance in the moment.
Remember that whoever starts the conversation sets the tone, so that person should make sure to keep the vibe fun and sexy. Talking about sex is a good thing and only leads to better, hotter experiences, so don’t be embarrassed to bring it up.
Second: Show and tell. Talking about sex outside of the bedroom is great, but it’s not always possible (think one-time hook ups, the right time just hasn’t come up, etc.) Bringing it up in the moment is not only totally okay, but it can also be super sexy.
The general rule of thumb for communicating mid-bang is always make sure to only reinforce what’s actually working. Meaning, don’t moan, groan or say “yeah, daddy” to something unless it genuinely feels good.
It can be tempting to make sexy sounds to show appreciation, but ultimately this only sends mixed signals and prolongs the chance of orgasm. Take the opportunity to use words, sounds and physical cues to show hunny what gets you going.
For the person doing the pleasuring, try using dirty-talk-esque language to keep things sexy yet educational- — this might sound like “does that feel good?” or “tell me how you like it.”
Three: Performance review. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about sex and orgasm right after the fact. “I loved when you did (insert action here), we should do that more,” or “(action) felt amazing, I think if we did that slower it might make me cum.” For this type of sexscussion, it’s crucial to keep the tone affirmative and focused on improvement.
While orgasms are by no means the end all be all of sex, it can sometimes be frustrating to feel incapable of getting there with our humans and hook ups, but often times all it takes is a little bit of TL(S)C (Tender Loving Self Care) to get us goin’.
For many, masturbating can feel taboo or unnatural, but let’s start thinking about masturbating as a great time to practice self care; this is a time just for you! Set a sexy scene for yourself: Take a bath, light some candles, find yourself a video, fan fiction, or mental image that really gets you going, and do what feels right.
Sometimes we need a helping hand to find that perfect spot — sex toys are a wonderful way to help us as we explore our bodies. Vibrators, dildos, anal beads and more can all be great ways to help us learn exactly what gets us going. Protip: It’s important to remember that the U.S. has no standards for sex toy production, which means we should be looking for reputable brands to keep our bodies safe!
Consider yourself a sex detective — a sextective if you will. Head to a local feminist sex shop like A Woman’s Touch here in Madison. Here you’ll find quality body safe toys and a comfortable environment with educated employees who can answer any of your burning questions! (And you’ll be supporting a local business! Go you!)
Sometimes the key to masturbation is patience: The first time may not be when we find that magical spot and it could take some practice as you get reacquainted with your body in a new way. Be patient with yourself and your body; soon you’ll be nutting like they do in the big leagues! Being able to know exactly what makes us tick is key to success and allows us to communicate with our partners much more effectively.
Before we wrap up, I want to hit you with an encouraging “orgasm isn’t everything” PSA. While yes, everyone loves a good orgasm, try not to let stress and the fear of performing psych you out and put negative pressure on intimate moments with your partners (that performance anxiety will only damage your time spent together).
I think people fear this idea of “ruining” sex, however, that truly isn’t possibly. Every single time we are in the bedroom is a new beginning and while sometimes something may “go wrong” or turn out differently than what we’d hoped for, there will always be another chance. Sex can only get better; we are always learning! And with each sexual encounter, orgasm does not need to be our main goal.
Sometimes we want to try out a new move with our partner, other times we just want to practice our communication. Research shows that around 75 percent of people with vulvas do not orgasm from intercourse alone, so if your partner seems like they haven’t finished once you have, don’t be discouraged! Ask if they would like you to keep focusing on them or if they are content with just being in the moment!
No matter what, we can seek out and find a ton of different pleasurable moments in the bedroom that can heighten arousal and strengthen intimacy (while having fun) but might not necessarily always lead to an orgasm (ever played naked Truth or Dare with a partner…?).
Try to focus less on that end goal and use Miley Cyrus’ “It’s The Climb” motto instead. I bet if you enjoy the journey, the end may pleasantly surprise you. Go explore, communicate, and start having amazing sex!