Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, June 15, 2024

Kim-Jong Un enraged as missile falls off trailer during parade, snaps in half

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

During a scheduled military rally in Pyongyang Friday, an unexpected turn of events resulted in a live ballistic missile falling off a trailer in the middle of the street, halting the parade and sending Kim Jong-Un into a frenzy. Unsanctioned photos from the event show the Supreme Leader stamping his feet, throwing his hat and engaging in a belligerent, world-class temper tantrum.
“Considering the structural flimsiness of the defense program in general, it’s not surprising that the missile fell off the carrier,” a leading physicist  for the U.S. Department of Defense, said. “After some video analysis, we determined that the ballistic thrusters were fabricated from spray-painted Legos, and the chassis of the rocket was stuffed with newspaper.”
North Korean science programs have faltered in recent years, as one-third of the education of every North Korean student goes toward absorbing the achievements, accomplishments and made-up propaganda regarding their Supreme Leader.
The missile rolled off the trailer at approximately 1:49 p.m. (UTC+08:30), and broke in half, stopping the entire mile-long convoy of North Korean troops, vehicles and propaganda banners. The ensuing traffic jam was reported to have taken six hours to clear, as soldiers tried unsuccessfully to confiscate a tide of forbidden smartphones snapchatting the bedlam.
“The missile fell off the trailer, and just kind of broke open,” an American observer witnessed. “There were newspapers flying all over the place, and people were going crazy, trying to catch them and read them … Kim Jong-Un was throwing chairs.”
Reports have confirmed that the rocket was stuffed with copies of The Onion, The Daily Cardinal and The Wall Street Journal. The Cardinal seeks to pursue improper use charges against the nation-state of North Korea for misuse of its periodical.
“The Supreme Leader was really upset about the attendance at his latest inauguration,” a North Korean press envoy said in an address to the press. “We will get our numbers up and show the world the strength of North Korea.”

Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2024 The Daily Cardinal