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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

The gosh-darn cutest honeybee ever tragically killed by careless toddler

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Tragedy struck during the anomalous spring weather last weekend when a local honeybee, venturing from its hive to explore a Monroe Street sidewalk, was unceremoniously stepped on by a passing toddler.

Mona Johnson, known as “Banana” to family and friends, reportedly crushed the unwitting honeybee with her size-three Minnie Mouse sneakers as she carelessly hopped along the sidewalk to avoid stepping on the cracks.

Eyewitness reports say the honeybee, bumbling along the concrete and projecting a gentle aura of curious joy to passers-by through its mere presence, was covered with “fuzzy-wuzzy wittle hairs” and periodically buzzing its “cutesy-tootsy teeny wingsies” before being mercilessly wiped from existence by a force 10,000 times its weight.

To date, the bee’s hive has made no motions to press charges. Daily Cardinal legal expert Jess Trilby offered an analysis of the situation.

“There isn’t much legal precedent here,” she said. “It’s common knowledge bees tend to avoid legal action, being a highly economical species—busy bees—they’ve just got too much going on to deal with the bureaucracy inherent in modern justice systems.”

When asked for comments, colony members allegedly exhibited “quite aggressive” behavior toward reporters visiting the hive.

Accounts from the field speculate three-year-old Banana’s Saturday kill count could be as great as five, with the tiny crushed bodies of “a bitty-witty bumblebee” and “woolly wormy caterpillar” also found in the area.

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