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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

Almanac Animal Review: Aye-aye

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Aye-aye at a glance

PHYSICAL TRAITS: Disgusting, horrendous middle finger, some crazy eyes that have seen some crazy shit, Bernie Sanders hair, satellite-dish ears that pick up ESPN.

CAREER GOALS: Eventually create a trend that actually sticks, stop failing at setting trends, get better at setting trends, improve his trend-setting abilities. 

PRIMARY FLAWS: Completely unaware of cultural norms, most people want to kill it with fire. 

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can throw back triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiatos like nobody’s business.

PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Madagascar, or wherever the next trend is emerging so he can try and fail to set it.

Final Score: 11/10


It has obviously been a lifelong goal of mine to drink a cup of my favorite drink, a triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiato, in every country. I’m getting close to reaching this incredible achievement but got sidetracked in Madagascar by a cheeky little animal called the aye-aye who sought to challenge my consumption of elaborate caffeinated drinks. Never in my life have I gone into a triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiato unprepared, so I decided to review this peculiar specimen with the intention of seeking out his weaknesses and tearing him down.

My adversary is an aspiring trendsetter who finds normal sleep schedules far too mainstream—instead deciding to become nocturnal and grow a large middle finger. If you’re anything like me you might be wondering, “Why do large grotesque middle fingers and nocturnal tendencies go hand in hand?” According to biologists the two might possibly be, but are probably not, but could maybe be related. Contrary to popular belief, the massive middle finger was mainly intended to be the highlight of his annual Madagascar Road Rage convention speech but has been mostly used in foraging for little bugs who are marginally offended by the rude gesture before being slaughtered. The aye-aye is also able to tap on tree trunks with this horribly deformed finger up to eight times a second due to his consumption of my favorite caffeinated drink of all time: the triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiato.

The aye-aye was not always nocturnal but decided to make the transition due to his horrible night terrors. A combination of his obsession with triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiatos and horrendous night terrors caused him to develop his signature eyes, which have clearly seen some shit, man—like seriously you don’t even want to know what crazy shit this dude has seen. No, I’m not joking, don’t ask. Overall, this caused the animal to develop a deep interest in competitive caffeinated drinking to stay awake, a lifesaver in his eyes (pun intended).

Right before the drink off, the aye-aye realized just how mainstream triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiatos are and backed out of the contest, switching his preferred drink to a fine dark-roast black coffee, thinking nobody would possibly want to drink that. I originally gave this ugly little primate a 10/10 because I respect my opponents and love failing trendsetters, but he’s a filthy quitter who hates my favorite drink. I love quitters with a deep, disturbing passion and forgave him for the drink thing so I bumped it up to 11/10. 

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P.S. Bernie Sanders is a close friend of many aye-ayes and chose to model his hair after them. Wow! So interesting! Incredible political fact!

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