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Thursday, March 28, 2024
Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz continued his dominant family game night showing with precise application of ‘enhanced interrogation’ techniques, namely waterboarding.

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz continued his dominant family game night showing with precise application of ‘enhanced interrogation’ techniques, namely waterboarding.

‘Enhanced interrogation’ propels Ted Cruz to family game night victory

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Texas senator and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz emerged victorious after family game night in the Cruz home Wednesday. The senator’s performance brings his 2016 family game night win streak to six, expanding his untarnished record to 6-0 on the season for the Cruz family’s weekly designated family-fun sessions.

In addition to his homegrown work ethic and naturally competitive spirit, Cruz attributed Wednesday’s win to his careful use of enhanced interrogation during the games.

“I don’t condone the  widespread use of enhanced interrogation,” Cruz said. “But I am willing to use it in extreme cases, like when I’m down in Battleship and all I have left is my submarine.”

Sen. Cruz started slow in demoralizing bouts of Battleship and Go Fish, but made come-from-behind victories each round through selective employment of enhanced interrogation tactics.

The senator reported his eight-year-old daughter (0-6) “cried like a little baby” and “finally learned that papa Cruz is king” after careful application of enhanced interrogation convinced her to reveal the location of her battleships to her jovial-but-competitive father.

During their third game of Go Fish, wife Heidi Cruz (0-6) questioned her husband’s use of enhanced interrogation tactics.

“Ted? Honey? Isn’t waterboarding torture? Ted listen to me, don’t you think waterboarding the kids is a bit much? Just let Care Bear win for once—you’re getting the cards all wet.”

Sen. Cruz echoed his Feb. 6 Manchester, N.H., debate sentiments in response.

“Don’t worry hon, waterboarding isn’t torture—it’s enhanced interrogation. Torture would be contrary to the values of human dignity, justice and democracy our nation represents. Waterboarding is carefully mediated and regulated simulated drowning used as an alternative to traditional intelligence gathering methods. Besides, it’ll all be over soon. I just need a pair of kings and I win.”

Sen. Cruz hopes to build his streak to seven at the next Cruz family game night, set for Wednesday, Feb. 17 at the regular time.

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