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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Marco Rubio deports own parents, proves he’s tough on immigration

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

At a recent press conference, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio proudly announced that, under his order, local authorities in Miami had taken his parents, Mario and Oriales Rubio into custody, and that they would soon be deported to Cuba, their country of origin.

In a brief prepared statement, the Florida senator said: “Although I am grateful for all that they have done for me, at some point we just have to draw a line.” The two U.S. citizens could not be reached for comment on the matter.

This action comes at a critical time in the presidential campaign. After coming up third in the Iowa primary, fifth in New Hampshire and second in South Carolina, Rubio is sitting in a difficult position, and needs to make up ground if he wants to win the GOP nomination. 

Sources close to the senator have recently reported that his team plans on making immigration a priority over the next weeks, an issue that is important to many Republican voters, especially those in southern states.

This highly publicized move is a new cornerstone in a no-holds-barred attempt for Rubio to distance himself from his immigrant background, and to find a platform from which to announce his new plans on immigration reform.

The full scope of the promised plan has not been released in entirety, but a few details have surfaced. When asked if there would be any drastic changes, campaign manager Terry Sullivan stated that the first step to fixing immigration was to seal off the American border with Cuba. 

When puzzled reporters asked Rubio for a more detailed explanation, he promised that he would use his experience in diplomatic affairs to ensure that the Dominican Republic would pay for the wall.

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