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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

GOP candidates dodge questions about injuries sustained in post-debate scuffle

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Both Jeb Bush and Senator Ted Cruz are struggling to continue on their campaign trails, especially as both attempt to dodge questions about minor injuries they obtained in a fight after their last debate. Both have black eyes, and some small scratches on their faces, making it difficult to deliver their campaign speeches with any credibility. Reports suggest that other candidates may have minor injuries as well.

Like many of the Republican National Committee debates this election cycle, the debate in North Charleston, S.C., last Saturday was punctuated by flairs of emotional conflict. Discussed were issues that matter to Republican voters, such as the economy, immigration, the Middle East and whether Mr. Cruz or Mr. Rubio could speak better Spanish. The climax of the debate, however, came after the cameras had stopped rolling and the passionate fans had gone home.

The notable incident occurred at roughly 11:30 p.m., backstage at the North Charleston Coliseum and Performing Arts Center. It started with an argument about the Iraq War, which has inexplicably become a centerpiece of the Republican nomination despite having been terminated during Obama’s term.

Bystanders report that five of the six candidates were huddled together, engrossed in intense conversation, when one of them shouted “shut your damn mouth you slimy bastard!” and all at once fists were flying.

Police officers were already present at the event to protect MSNBC reporters from riled up Donald Trump supporters, and were quickly on hand to escort the involved candidates to their respective campaign busses. They also used the opportunity to remove Dr. Carson from the stage, where he had fallen asleep halfway through the debate.

The RNC condemned the episode in a statement released Sunday morning, but polls show that many right-wing voters do not share the sentiment, with 78 percent of Republicans saying they would support an official, GOP-sanctioned cage fight between the candidates.

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