Almanac Animal Review: Kangaroos

Kangaroos at a glance

Physical Traits: Powerful thighs, adorable little arms, useful pouch in mid-region (different than stomach), stupid look on face.

Career Goals: Sling mad dope, compete in long-jump, produce offspring, enjoy retirement, wipe stupid look off face.

Primary Flaws: Selfish in group situations, lacks ability to rationalize existence, always has dumb look on face.

Special Abilities: Laser eyes, heat-seeking roundhouse kick, consistently stupid look on face.

Place of Residence: The Australian outback (steakhouse) with $6 specials until Thursday.

Final Score: 7/10

FULL REVIEW: Recently on one of my many soul-searching expeditions to Australia I encountered the wonderful animal called the kangaroo. This kangaroo seemed to be a manifestation of my dead great-grandfather so I took it upon myself to review this wonderful species in an attempt to get more in touch with my roots.

Kangaroos are most known for their trademark pouch where they keep copious amounts of drugs hidden when their offspring aren’t taking up too much space. Drugs are a huge part of the Kangaroo’s life and normally they rely on cocaine as their main source of income and energy, capable of hopping over 15 feet in one jump due to the white powder. The utilization of this illegal substance to function is highly impressive and made the animal very entertaining to stare at.

A male kangaroo is called a “Jack” and a female is called a “Jill” which made it very confusing because I didn’t see a single kangaroo fetching a pail of water or breaking their crown despite songs being made about these actions. This was a deep disappointment to all Almanac reporters who had very high expectations to see the animal in its natural habitat. This, combined with the baby kangaroo’s name being “Joey” (I have deep hatred for all Joeys since the incident at the mall) caused the species to get bumped down a few points.

KANGAROOS DON’T SKIP LEG DAY. These animals have massive thighs which gleam in the moonlight and demand respect from every other animal in the kingdom. It is said that Thor, the god of thunder himself, created these thunder thighs to encourage everyone to get off the bench press and head for the squat rack.

After much thought I give the kangaroo a 7/10. Great little creation, evolution, keep up the good work.

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