The Daily Cardinal Valentine's Day Guide 2015

Image By: Cameron Graff

All you need is love to have the perfect Valentine's Day, right?

The Daily Cardinal staff dishes on how to spend the most romantic (or miserable) day of the year.

On singlehood:

I’m not asking all the Single Ladies to put their hands up. Don’t waste your time participating in Buzzfeed’s “Ultimate Valentine’s Day Drinking Game,” which would end with a horrible hangover after taking a sip for every PDA you encounter.

If there’s one piece of advice I can give to the boy/girlfriend-less this Valentine’s Day, it’s to follow in the footsteps of the great Amy Poehler, or in this case Leslie Knope.

It only takes one episode of “Parks and Rec” to discover Knope puts her friends before everything else, even deeming February 13 “Galentine’s Day,” a breakfast devoted to her closest friends. Knope has it right. Why waste money on the hyper-pink seasonal section of Walgreen’s when you can spend it on waffles, pancakes and bacon?

So don’t compare your life to a Taylor Swift album—instead, treat yo’self. Hit up Mickies Dairy Bar or Bassett Street Brunch Club and toast with your friends, celebrating the best relationships out there.

—Ellie Herman

On not letting Hallmark dictate your relationship:

Valentine’s Day is not an excuse to treat your significant other special—that’s called “every day of your relationship.” If you only buy flowers or go somewhere special with your significant other on Valentine’s Day then you’re doing this whole relationship thing wrong. It shouldn’t take this Hallmark holiday for you to appreciate your significant other and want to treat them right. This doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t go all-out this Saturday, but you should make an effort to go all-out next Saturday and the Saturday after that as well. 

Strapped for cash? A card handmade from a piece of printer paper will likely elicit a response far more genuine and loving than dropping $80 on a plate of pasta and a glass of 11-year-old Merlot. Here’s the bottom line: You can’t just show up one day a year and expect to coast for the other 364.

—Cullen Voss

On doin' the dirty:

This weekend, give your Valentine something even more special than usual. We know everyone loves a good trip downtown, and playing in our partner’s netherlands can be a special Valentine’s treat. And what could be a better way to enhance oral than by giving ourselves a tasty treat while we’re down there?

Blow jobs are the perfect opportunity to use some whipped cream, chocolate and crunchy peanut butter (maybe?) on our friend’s dong. Maybe we can even eat a doughnut while licking the glaze off that sheen peen. We just need to remember to lick that sucker clean (or wash it clean) before inserting it into other orifices to avoid yeasty infections. 

Eating pussy can be just as tasty as sucking dick, but we need to take a little more precaution. We should always use sex dams (available for free in the Sex Out Loud office!) before putting anything sugary on or around our partner’s lady junk. Sure, slap down some ice cream or chocolate sauce, just make sure everyone’s body is protected first! 

Happy Vaginatime’s Day!

—Alex Tucker

On embracing all love:

Everyone knows how annoying it can be to walk around on Valentine’s Day and see hundreds of perfectly gendered people with perfectly gendered significant others holding hands.

Feb. 14 has long been devoted to the “one man, one woman” mantra in the most literal terms, but that doesn’t mean you need to hate it. Instead, make it your own, whether or not you have a significant other, and do things meaningful to you.

As for those for whom that mantra works, remember that it might not work for everyone. Try to choose your pronouns carefully this Saturday. Valentine’s Day is about love, not gender roles.

—Andrew Hahn

On presents:

Hey, Valentine, how about something that doesn’t slowly die on my desk and thus remind me of the fragility of life? I’m here to rally for something more lasting for this holiday, the alternative to a handful of gas station carnations or florist-finessed bouquet: a living, breathing plant.

Plants can say (not literally, although I’ve heard talking to them helps) a multitude of things to the recipient. For a pal you might want to catch off guard with a surprise Valentine’s Day gesture: I appreciate you! To a cutie you’ve kind of been hanging out with lately but haven’t reached officially official status: wow ur 2 adorable just like this cactus <3. To a significant other you’ve been with for so long that you know all their childhood pet’s middle names: Hey, look how much we have grown together! I’m officially proclaiming plants as the Hot Alt Gift of 2015. They’re less about mushy love and more about appreciation and TLC. As long as you don’t pull a Kate Hudson in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (“Our love fern! You let it die!”) then this gift is low-key enough for almost any situation. Check out Willy Street Co-op’s assortment of neat potted plants for inspiration.

—Marina Oliver

 

But who are Daily Cardinal staff members lovin' (or lovin' to hate) this weekend? Here are our Valentine's to our special someones.

Dear significant other of nearly three years, Thanks for pretending to be asleep whenever I accidentally fart so loud that it wakes us both up.

Dear my body, How you ran on nothing but nacho cheese, fish sticks, stale Union coffee and $3 wine for four years, I’ll will never understand. Don’t ever change.

Dear roommate, Our mutual lack of interest in taking out the garbage and shared hatred of the same people/cats is one of the things I love most about us. You deserve more Jack’s frozen pizzas than I can afford.

Dear Ilana and Abbi of “Broad City,” Thank you for enlightening me about all the different ways to utilize one’s front hole, among them natural, responsible storage.

Dear ex-boyfriend from high school who I thought I was going to marry, You’re welcome for never telling anyone (including you) about me finding a massive poop schmear up your buttcrack one time when we were making out.

Dear couple that’s been dating for six months and just got engaged, Congratulations (to your future divorce attorney)!

Dear St. Valentine, Sorry we took the day you were beaten, stoned and beheaded for your religious beliefs and turned it into a day of chocolate-laced, PDA-soaked capitalist bullshit. You the real MVP. 

 

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