Hi, my name is ALEX TUCKER and I’ll be your SEX COLUMNIST for the academic year. A little about me: I work for Sex Out Loud, the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s premiere peer-to-peer sexual health resource. Through the organization, I’ve been lucky enough to be trained for over 150 hours by medical professionals about sexual health topics ranging from anatomy to bondage to trans* issues. So I’m qualified as shit.
I major in history and journalism and have no other interests. I’m a washed-up high school athlete, a washed-up Daily Cardinal editor, a soon-to-be washed-up UW student. Y’all are my last shot.
I have one and a half years of sex columning under my belt (pun?) and am excited to jump into the last one. I’ll be enthusiastically answering your questions from September to May and promise to make this year our best yet.
My oath to you: No “viralizing,” no editorializing, just plain boning. And puns. Tuns of puns.
My goal in writing is for you to be the best in bed that you can be. I want you to be able to give the best head, engage in the hottest foreplay, make yourself come harder than you ever have before. I want to know what you want to read. Please sendany questions or tips to sex@dailycardinal.com. This column is for you. Take advantage.
This column is not for any particular type of person. No gender, sexuality, racial biases, because it is for every person. Especially fans of “The League.” From now on, it’s all sexiversaries and fear boners. It is decided.
So, to start the year off right, I suggest we all do an activity together. Everyone take out your pens and paper. Today, we’ll be making sex resumes. Let’s all say it together...sex resumes. Great!
Every resume has several pieces; ours will have a statement of purpose, our contact information, information on our education, a little about our experience, our activities and honors and finally ourreferences.
Statement of purpose
I like to think of a statement of purpose as what we’re searching for in a partnership or relationship. This can range from “looking to get laid constantly” to “getting my MRS in four years” to “waiting for the one.”
Knowing what we’re looking for can be helpful in allowing us to become involved in things we’re comfortable with. If we love fucking our friends, we shouldn’t commit to something we don’t want. On the flip side, we shouldn’t engage in hookup culture if we’re not comfortable or interested. Easy peasy!
There you have rule No. 1 of college: Know what you want. Yay!
Having a grasp on our short- and long-term relationship goals can be difficult, but as long as we try not to mislead others or ourselves, we can stay flexible and still have fun.
Contact Info
If someone wanted to bone tonight, how would they contact you? Text, Facebook message, SnapChat? Is your snap name clever enough to be worthy of a booty call? Mine is SEXTME12369. How does your’s measure up?
Education
What was your sex education like? How aware are you of STIs? Can you use a condom correctly? Over 70 percent of American adults can’t! Stop by the Sex Out Loud office at 333 East Campus Mall for free safer sex supplies and hands-on instructions for how to use them.
Experience
Should be a subset of “Education,” because in sexual play, the more experience we have in the field, the more educated we are. The opposite is not necessarily true. We can be educated comprehensively, but until we put our knowledge to the test, it’s harder to know what we like, what we’d be good at, and with whom we’d like to engage. A solution is getting it on with all the people we’re excited to boink. The more we get it in, the more we can perfect our technique.
Activities and honors
Has anyone ever told you, “that was the best ____ of my life?” Unless your last name is “Tee” on Facebook, this remark doesn’t mean you’re the best in the world, but it’s a pretty high honor nonetheless. After all, whose mind do we need to blow more than the person we’re, well, blowing?
References
We’ll call this more like your “sexual history,” something important to tell each partner in order to conduct a sexually consensual activity.
Telling our partners about any STIs we’ve come into contact with is only fair for every party involved. Do it!
Although writing this all out—unless you’re a prominent college sex columnist—is incredibly douchey, it can be helpful to figuring out who we are, what we’re down for and what we ultimately want.
Relationships are complicated, and understanding ourselves will inevitably lead to making good choices in who and how we engage with others. Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but taking steps to figure ourselves out can help us avoid causing and experiencing a whole lot of heartache.
Want more references? Alex can help! Email her at sex@dailycardinal.com so she can explain how to...you know. Diversify.
