All you wasted slime-birds must know what’s happening this Saturday: the now unofficial, on-the-decline, deflated Mifflin Street Block Party. Oh how the mighty have fallen (likely because of the day drinking). Even after last year’s abysmal turnout, not even Waka Flocka Flame will deter hardcore alcoholics from frolicking through police-filled streets for, well, no reason at all. So for all you (insert typical bro-lingo, plural homophobic expletive here) too afraid to drink until your dignity is gone, check out this list of American Spirit-approved Mifflin alternatives.
1. Chain-smoke at the intersection of Mifflin and Bedford Streets
People will go in to give you a highfive, thinking you’re both en route to the same rager. Imagine the satisfaction of leaving them hanging and then blowing smoke in their face.
2. Start brewing your own Kombucha tea
Scobies make better friends than most humans. Plus, they give you delicious, nutritious nectar if you exploit their vulnerability and ferment them.
3. Chain-smoke outside of the Revelry festival area
The wafting aroma of hand-rolled cigarettes will show you are the true definition of “indie.”
4. Grab lunch somewhere nobody knows about
It’s super underground to eat at restaurants off the beaten path. Maybe hop on a bus or train, Greyhound to another state, do anything in your power to nibble on food you can tell people was amazing. Just make sure there’s no possible way they will ever try it.
5. Chain-smoke at the farmers’ market
Show off your all-natural tobacco flavors to the people who really care—families and farmers trying to make money. Maybe pick up some kale while you’re there.
6. Go see my band, Blame It All on Brandon
We’re like post-EDM, emo-core, funkadelic mixed with post-rock, hair-metal. You probably wouldn’t like it.
7. Chain-smoke outside the Blame it All on Brandon show
This should be self-explanatory, hand-rolled only though.
8. Protest the use of pesticides on tobacco.
There is LITERALLY nothing worse than the idea of inhaling dangerous toxins some big cigarette companies are spraying all over their otherwise all-natural crops. We need to unite on the very important topic.
9. Chain-smoke in the background of high school prom photos
Just because prom sucked for you doesn’t mean it should be special for anyone else. Let that cloud of smoke plume up and fog those 18-year-olds’ memories, while simultaneously making their rented tuxes smell like cigs.
10. Have a block party
Get all your friends to take it to the streets, beers, cheers and chain-smoking galore! What could be a better way to spend your last weekend in Madison?
