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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, February 05, 2023

“Heroic students save dog from hot car during Mifflin”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Anticipation for the annual Mifflin St. Block Party has subsided in Madison, Wis. Thousands of crushed cans and shattered glass were all that remained Sunday morning as the students in attendance reeled from their collective “post weekend denial.” Public concerns regarding student safety and COVID-19 precautions are being raised in response to the large congregation of maskless children. However, these questions appeared insignificant and misguided in light of the heroic act that took place Saturday.

During the shoulder-to-shoulder chaos, students noticed a dog overheating in a white SUV parked in the lots behind Mifflin. Demonstrating unparalleled courage, multiple students began climbing the car in an attempt to spot the owner above the crowd. Once their awkward dancing failed to attract the owner’s attention, students took matters into their own hands and proceeded to stomp in the front windshield of the vehicle. The dog was freed and immediately rushed to urgent care where it remains in critical condition. 

Inferior publications — that are bad at softball — incorrectly reported on this series of events. Misinformation circulating online spheres created unjust sympathy towards the vehicle owner. Outrage resulted in crowdfunding campaigns that raised thousands for repair costs and additional damages.

Aside from dog abusers being compensated for their negligence, there were many additional events that occurred during the outdoor cesspool. One student proved he could in fact climb that tree over there and he “wasn’t capping on god.” Another student convinced her boyfriend that a snap score of 4 million wasn't that high. There were even reports of a bathroom that didn’t have mandatory 30 minute que time. 

The 2021 Mifflin St. Block Party flew in the face of almost every single health precaution that dictated the past year. Blatant disregard for rules and regulations made the student body seem inconsiderate. Excessive destruction of property made the university and their “policy enforcement” look ineffectual. With all of this considered … we can’t wait for next year.

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