Abominable eyewitness reports have confirmed your roommate has been using your personal, facial-designated electric razor to shave his genital region.
The devastating news broke around 11 a.m. at your apartment, shortly after a third party followed the soft hum of a Wahl Groomsman® Beard & Mustache Trimmer Model 9906-717 to find a freshly-manscaped, college-aged male standing above a pube-strewn bathroom floor.
“He wasn’t even using a guard. He didn’t even have the common courtesy to use a guard!” said the visibly rattled eyewitness who has chosen to remain anonymous.
The heinous reports noted that this seems to be only one incident in a long line of similar transgressions, dating back almost seven months and occurring exclusively while you were just sitting in class, oblivious.
Local law enforcement has confiscated the cordless Wahl razor and lab tests are being run to verify a link between the alleged perpetrator and the pubic matter cultivated by the razor blades.
“There has been no conclusive evidence that butt-shaving was involved,” District Attorney Angela Watts said. “However, if such a revelation presents itself then this case could jump from a six-months-plus-probation type of deal to a potential twenty-five-to-life scenario.”
Sources close to the situation have reported that pressing charges may seem like the best route, but think about keeping your options open and seeking revenge by shitting in his pillowcase or pissing on his desk chair or something.
