If everyone would please take their seats, I’d like to discuss the problem with our Enlightened Society’s method of procreation.
Glancing down at your lecture outline, you’ll see that I intend to begin by delving briefly into earth’s history in order to paint a more complete portrait of this frequently overlooked issue.
Sixty-five million years ago, gigantic, bloodthirsty lizards stomped around the planet tearing each other to shreds with razor-sharp teeth and claws. Everything was painted red; there was no remorse.
Then a meteor struck the planet. It was hell on earth, and the fire and brimstone choked the life out of the mighty dinosaurs. But they had the last laugh, leaving behind a horrible legacy: birds.
After the meteor struck, our mammalian ancestors burrowed underground to escape the horrors of the surface world. But, reptiles living near the sea also survived, saved by the cooling effects of water. The friendly turtle and the majestic crocodile were among these animals. Unfortunately, so were birds, dinosaurs in sheeps’ feathers!
They are smaller now. Beaks have replaced incisors; scales have become feathers. But their minds remain the same. Their first instinct is to kill; their second is to kill again.
From the time mammals crawled out of their burrows to reclaim the earth, humans and birds were destined to share the planet.
And here we are today, relying on them to deliver our babies.
For God’s sake, these animals DELIVER OUR BABIES.
The bird has somehow become so deeply entrenched in our refined culture that we trust them with the future of the human race!
And you can’t imagine how frequently couples shuffle into my office, heads in their hands, sobbing, “Doctor Francovis! Oh, Doctor! The baby! It hasn’t come. The stork should’ve been here weeks ago!”
And, of course, I tell them as gently as I can that the baby will never come, that, most of the time, the stork simply eats the infants.
They never take it well, but they start to calm down after I explain to them that the stork is a carnivorous animal that must hunt for its food everyday to survive and that, like most animals, it has no evolutionary need for emotion.
I tell them that when a screaming, six-pound bag of meat appears in a stork’s nest, it’s typically going to get eaten without a second thought.
There’s simply no incentive for the stork to wrap the baby in a sling and carry it hundreds of miles to its parents.
In fact, it’s astonishing how many babies actually make the trip. According to the United States Census Bureau, 360,000 are delivered each day.
That’s a huge number. But it begs the question, “How many are eaten each day?”
After conducting a 10 year study, in which my staff and I presented thousands of starving storks in captivity with fresh babies, I’d estimate the number to be around two million.
Two million! If you take one thing away from this lecture it should be that horrific statistic.
And what happens when the storks realize they can eat all the infants?
Enlightened Citizens, there’s a better way. But women probably won’t like it.
It’s something called pregnancy, and the best way for a woman to become pregnant is through sexual intercourse.
I can already see some of you shifting nervously in your seats.
“Doctor Francovis, this is not the human way. Mother and father taught me long ago that the stork brings the baby. The stork has always brought the baby.”
Well, just bear with me here for a moment.
It all begins when a man and a woman are so attracted to one another that they remove their clothing and...
Don’t leave! Oh, come on. Sit back down. You’ll learn something!
Thank you. You paid $20 for this lecture, so you might as well hear me out.
Alright, I’ve decided not to go into all the details because I can see this subject is making you all uncomfortable. I implore you to at least take a look at the brochure my assistants are handing out. It’s filled with pictures and diagrams I think you’ll find very informative. Be sure to show your friends and family, too.
What’s that?
Yes, you in the back. Did you have a question, young man?
Have I myself ever had sexual intercourse?
The answer is no. Not yet.
But, I have observed animal copululation extensiveley, and I can assure you that it frequently results in pregnancy.
I plan on performing sexual intercourse myself very soon to prove my findings. In fact, I’m ready at this very moment to have sexual intercourse. All I need is a suitable partner candidate.
Perhaps a woman from the audience would like to volunteer...
Oh, come on! Sit back down. This lecture is not over!
Fine, then! Go! But take the brochures! My contact information is on the back should any of you want to help me with my research.
And you can’t keep your heads in the sand forever! When the stork doesn’t show up at your door, don’t come crying to Doctor Francovis! Remember, he presented you with the facts and figures, but you wouldn’t listen.
