Another celebrity had a baby, expected to never affect any of us on a personal level
This past weekend, Kylie Jenner, another indistinguishable member of the Kardashian Kult, announced her intent to devote all of her spare time to the care of her newborn child. The decision to abstain from excessing posting exemplified unprecedented consideration and maturity, especially from someone whose worth has repeatedly been determined by how her butt looks in any given mirror selfie.
“Motherhood does that to people, I guess,” an observer absentmindedly commented on Jenner’s Instagram following news of the birth. “I’m so proud to have been there for Kylie from the beginning! Even though I’ve never met her and my life wouldn’t be any different if I had no idea who she is, I still knew her before all the plastic surgery and the modern standards of female beauty were forced upon her! #kissesforkylie’sgenericbaby!”
While there is much unneeded conversation about the name of some girl’s baby whose existence will more-than-likely never affect any of us on a personal level, Jenner has requested privacy in this important step into her new role as a mother. Still, despite her request, countless rabid fans continue to spam Jenner’s social media accounts to a level that is almost cataclysmic.
“We have tried multiple times to slow down the web traffic to Miss Jenner’s page, but we can’t help it,” a representative for Instagram said on Monday. “People just keep clicking that little heart and they buy everything she tells them to buy. It’s risen us to an incomprehensible level of avarice. We can’t get enough of her brand- whoops, I mean, we can’t get enough of her baby. Yeah, that. It’s such a cute little… moneymaker.”
Financial experts predict the inevitably fanatic purchase of and investment in Kylie Jenner cosmetics may somehow save the stock market and put more money into the pockets of the obscenely rich.