[Ironic applause]
Thank you, thank you. I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Daily Cardinal Twitter awards.
I am your host, @michaelvoloshin.
I know for many of you this is the first time you’ve left your house, which is sad, really. But many of you are famous musicians, athletes, actors, politicians and writers who know how to use the crazy medium of Twitter to the best of your abilities. I know I’ve already gone over 140 characters, so without further ado, here are this years winners.
Best tweet from an UW alum: Anders Holm, actor
“I thought Harry Styles was when you grew your bush out...???” @ders808, Sept. 8, 2013
Best sexual tweet: Cakes da Killa, rapper
“One side of me is real banji like "son just stfu & get this BJ!" then the other side is like "you wanna watch Daria all day?"” -@CakesDaKilla, Sept. 12, 2013
Actor that understands Weird Twitter the best: Will Arnett
“Your honor, twitter lead me to believe the arresting officer would start breakdancing and this whole thing would just go away” -@arenttwill, July 8, 2013
“Good Cop *lowers his shades* Dad Cop *pushes his shades up* GLAAD Cop " You may kiss the groom*” -@arnettwill, July 12, 2013
Best tweets to help explain Weird Twitter: Sadvil, comedian
“Tim Duncan slam dunking a basketball. Cut. Suddenly, he's dunking a donut into coffee. Tim Duncan Donuts. America puns on Duncan.” -@crylenol, April 22, 2013
“*breaks into bank, gun waving* ALRIGHT ERYBODY BE COOL *every1 puts on sunglasses* *fires off gun* COOLER *every1 starts doing drugs* …cool.” -@crylenol, July 8, 2013
Best character on Twitter: Kanye West
“Kanye buying all the mirrors in a store because "they all look like Kanye".” - @BrandonElzby, July 7, 2013
“"Docs say I’m the illest cause I’m suffering from realness" "No it's LUPUS" "La la la la can't tell me NOTHIN" *Kanye holds hands over ears*” - @wimpsicle, May 22, 2013
“"Imma let you finish eating those Froot Loops, but Lucky Charms is the greatest cereal of all time" - LepreKanye West” - @Kyle_Lippert, January 7, 2013
Best dumb joke: Dubstep4dads
“bro, do u even stevens” -@dubstep4dads, April 28, 2013
Best laugh and then cry tweet: Musky Lonzenge
“Grammar Tip: Farther = physical distance Further = metaphorical distance Father = emotional distance” -@LostCatDog, August 8, 2013
Funniest Twittererer: Jomny Sun
“new law bans liquid nitrogen from all sciemce classes. biden winks "its b/c its... too cool for school" obama sighs "damit joe a kid died"” -@jonnysun, May 29, 2013
“giv a man a fish adn he'll say "wat is this i ordered a mcflurry" teach a man to fish adn he'll say "how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds"” -@jonnysun, July 12, 2013
“the canadian versiom of "miley cyrus" is "kilometery cyrcanada"” -@jonnysun, October 18, 2013
“*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken” -@jonnysun, March 2, 2013
“ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u” -@jonnysun, February 27, 2013
Best tweet of 2013: Amanda Bynes
“I want @drake to murder my vagina” -@amandabynes, March 21, 2013
Thank you all for coming tonight and congratulations to the winners. I’m only writing this last paragraph just in case the previous 500 words was too short for an article. When do I graduate again?
Contact @michaelvoloshin to congratulate him on his success as an in-text host.
