Before getting into the rest of the column, I’d be remiss if I didn’t first tip my cap to the late Roger Ebert, one of the foundational figures not just for film critics, but for aspiring writers everywhere. In a world where Old Guard writers like Mitch Albom get paid millions to write books that make postmenopausal women soil their granny panties, it was refreshing to see Ebert remain relevant to his dying day, embracing new media platforms and pumping out even more content than he did in his healthier years. He’ll be missed dearly, no smarm intended.
Now, apropos of nothing, back to your regular, vulgarity-laden programming.
Movie from your childhood that still kicks ass
“Home Alone” (1990)—Is it an asshead move to say “Keep the change, ya filthy animal” to a delivery guy 20-plus years after this movie came out? I so desperately want to do this, I just don’t know if I have the stones to go through with it. Anyway, it’s kind of amazing how Macaulay Culkin, and really most child stars for that matter, see their careers go to shit once they go through puberty. It’s almost like it’s a prerequisite for famous child actors or actresses to get hooked on drugs, release a stream of awful direct-to-DVD films, and then get bounced in the third week of “Dancing With The Stars.” But alas, Macaulay, I’ll always remember your iconic performance from “Home Alone,” even as you likely sit somewhere right now snorting nose candy off a hooker’s ass.
First-World Hate of the week
This week’s hate is reserved for those anti-smoking ads. You know, the ones that have the lady with the hole in her throat because she smoked too much, and now when she talks, she sounds like she’s channeling Lucifer. Can somebody please tell the CDC that they’ve made their freaking point with these ads? This Terrie Hall lady is haunting my dreams, and I don’t even freaking smoke. Hall says in the ad that her crazy demon voice is the only voice her grandson has ever heard. There’s about a 70 percent chance that poor kid ends up in an insane asylum. Why God, could you not have taken this lady’s voice away completely and saved Ebert’s? I don’t want to be subjected to this unholy combination of the D.A.R.E. program and “The Exorcist” anymore.
Song that Never Fails to fire me up
“Maneater” (Hall & Oates, 1982) – The great thing about Hall & Oates is that they’re the type of group that you can appreciate either legitimately or ironically, making them a staple of karaoke nights everywhere. “Maneater” is on the duo’s H20 album, and if you haven’t seen the back cover of the album, it’s worth checking out. The back cover contains a sweaty Hall and Oates standing forehead-to-forehead, staring intensely into each other’s eyes in the most homoerotic way possible. I think if I could choose one image that encapsulated the 80s, it would be that one.
Unedited moronic Facebook status from a kid from my high school
“i do havta buy a present for some one this weeknd . . . an oil change for my truck good ol suzy q hey shes just as expensive she gets a lil synthetic royal purple lmao a man is only as good as his truck”
Do us all a favor and keep it in your pants, man.
Remember to email awolf3@wisc.edu to tell him how scarred you are by the anti-smoking commercials from his worst nightmares.
