Cardinals Wednesday announced the election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who will take the name Francis, as the 266th pope of the Roman Catholic Church after an incompetent papal intern accidentally released white smoke instead of black.
In conclave tradition, black smoke is released when the cardinals have not selected a pope and white is released when they have. When white smoke was seen after the fifth ballot, many were shocked at the speed of the choice—the fastest in over 100 years.
But unbeknownst to the public, the true cause of that white smoke was Kyle Ratzinger, first-year papal intern. Ratzinger was SnapChatting his girlfriend during Vatican Orientation Day last week and panicked when he was assigned to conclave smoke duty.
“The buttons for black and white look really similar,” Ratzinger said on Instagram Wednesday night in a caption accompanying a distraught-looking selfie of him in his official robes.
After the white smoke was seen, media swarmed the Sistine Chapel in anticipation of an official announcement and many world news sources began streaming live coverage.
In an effort to save face, several of the cardinal finalists for pope engaged in a hasty series of rock-paper-scissors matches and one thumb war to determine a winner.
“He’s the first Latin American pope we’ve ever had, and a lot of people are saying it’s because the Vatican wants to acknowledge the large Catholic population in that region,” said a Vatican spokesman in a statement late Wednesday night. “What they don’t know is it’s his fast thumbs and daring choice of paper over rock in the face of adversity that really clinched it for him.”
The Vatican has given no official word on what will happen to Ratzinger, although his Twitter seems to indicate he has been relegated to making the cardinals’ coffee and sulking in the chapel playing Angry Birds.
“they even took my cool hat away :(,” said Ratzinger’s most recent Tweet. “very not cool man. #everybodymakesmistakes.”
