After a tumultuous seven -year relationship with the University of Wisconsin Badgers football team, former head coach Bret Bielema is leaving UW for the University of Arkansas Razorbacks.
Bielema, whose Wikipedia page lists him as “current head coach of the University of Arkansas Razorbacks football team”—and we can’t say the speed of that relationship status doesn’t sting a bit—finally succumbed to Arkansas’ advances Tuesday morning after several weeks of discrete flirting and salary negotiations rife with unresolved sexual tension.
“I should have known something like this would happen,” the University of Wisconsin said tearfully when approached for comment. “He always was a pig.”
Bielema, who will now adopt this role literally by coaching a team whose mascot is a razorback pig, was unavailable for comment, but an anonymous source close to Bielema revealed that he and the university of Arkansas are very happy together.
“She’s way younger than UW, and way hotter,” the source was overheard saying drunkenly in a Minnesota bar Wednesday night. “Who can blame the guy?”
While these allegations are true—Arkansas is a whopping 23 years younger than UW and has a quite warm humid subtropical climate—others do not predict smooth sailing for the newly public couple.
“Look, Bret’s a good guy, but he’s not gonna be able to please a woman like that,” said Arkansas’ previous head coach John Smith, whose relationship with the team lasted merely one year. “Arkansas is a woman who knows what she wants. She’s got needs, and just between you and me, it seems from those last two Rose Bowls that Bret has a bit of trouble finishing.”
The University of Wisconsin is wasting no time getting back in the dating game. An online job listing for the head coach position has already been posted online.
“There’s no shame in online dating,” UW said on her Facebook profile in response to ridicule over this development. “I have been used and abused, and I need to find someone who will treat me right and maybe coach us to some pass completions, if you know what I mean.”
The University of Wisconsin’s sister the Green Bay Packers added in a comment, “You should have listened to me, sis. What did I tell you about guys named Brett? They’ll love you and leave you every time.”
