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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, June 22, 2024
Romney Pity Party

Former Gov. Mitt Romney has holed up in his tour bus in the days following the presidential election. Sources confirm that Romney has filled his hours eating pints of Ben and Jerry's "Americone Dream" and playing Monopoly against himself in attempts to console himself on his loss.

Fake News Friday: Romney hosts Romney pity party

After losing the presidential election Tuesday, former Gov. Mitt Romney has reportedly locked himself in his tour bus and “will not come out until Reagan sends him a message from heaven.”


Jeff Johnson, the aide who accidentally leaked a photo of Romney frowning in his tour bus while playing Monopoly by himself, said the image is just a glimpse into what has become Romney’s cave of “wistfulness and sorrow.”

Romney said he was “fine, really fine,” according to a letter he scribbled in cursive upon a poster of his face, and gave to Johnson after the photo circulated.


He does not want to see anyone, he will not read the Wall Street Journal, and has only styled his hair twice since Tuesday night.


Romney had allegedly asked for quart after quart of his favorite Ben and Jerry’s flavor, “Americone Dream,” until Johnson informed him that Ben and Jerry’s is an “Obamalovercompany.”


“He effectively had to add himself to the millions unemployed because of Obama, and I don’t think he’s really dealing with it,” Johnson said.


Johnson said although Romney has not allowed him into the bus since the Ben and Jerry’s incident, Johnson said he heard scenes from “The Breakfast Club” playing from the bus for most of Thursday.

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He peeked a look hours later after a stretch of silence, only to realize Romney had resumed his Monopoly game.


“I suppose that way he would win in either outcome,” Johnson said.

As the mental health of the former Republican presidential candidate deteriorates, individuals from both sides of the aisle have sent him words of support.


Most notably, former Democratic presidential candidate and current Sen. John Kerry, who lost as former president George W. Bush was elected for a second term in 2004, said he felt obliged to offer his own words of advice after going through quite the same spectrum of emotions.


“Step one: Find closure. Step two: Realize you excel in most other areas of your life, like investing in venture capital, having an awesome name, and smiling. Step three: Move on.” Kerry wrote atop a poster of his own face. “I’m here for you. You’ll get through this, as I did so admirably eight years ago.”

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