Being the sex columnist is a hard job. I always have to be on my game. And I mean always. Even during presidential debates. I was answering a particularly smexy article while trying to watch Mitt and Barack going at it and so naturally I thought of, well, the two of them going at it! Classic Alex.
As this played out in my mind (you don’t even want to know), the wheels began to turn in full motion. I began to think of which one is the true hottie and I really couldn’t decide! Not objectively, anyway. I began to jot down notes and before I knew it, I had some pretty good material.
And oh boy, do I love politics. Although I usually like to stay neutral, I just cannot give up such a saucy challenge. I’ll pledge not to let my principles get in the way of my score if you pledge to respect my point system. Let’s begin.
For this article, it is important to utilize a grand scale system, especially if we are to stay completely “independent,” pun intended. My GSS (which is only used on those easily observable and in the media) has 100 possible points; ten each for voice, hair, skin, eyes, bone structure, body, walk, smile, wife, and BONUS.
Now, let’s put these sexual presidential candidates to the test. Voice: both very good. Barack Obama’s slow, methodical, and silky voice earns him a strong eight and a half. Mitt Romney has a near-gravely, “educated everyman” drawl that scores a solid seven. It’s just not a smoooooth as the current prez’s.
Hair: This category is an automatic win to el president. Obama’s salt and pepper scruffles are trimmed to perfection and frame his face perfectly. Ten. Mitt, however, has decided to get a recent cut that makes his head look a little oversized. Additionally, I’m not huge on the ‘90’s geled look. Four for Mitt Romney, you go Mitt Romney!
Skin: This category is badly skewed based on the amount of foundation these princesses wear on a daily basis. I know Barack Obama has more wrinkles than his botox specialist allows us to see. However, his creamy caramel skin earns him a valiant eight. Romney, who potentially doesn’t stiffen up his face, has a lovely even tone, giving this gentleman an equal eight. Congratulations, make-up artists! We love you (and the fact that you must be attractive to rule a country! More on that later).
Eyes: Not too happy about either of these two with their beady, tired eyes. I know it’s not their fault, but life isn’t fair. More mascara next time? Fives to each.
Bone structure: Both men very strong here. Strong chins, cheekbones, and very lovely noses. Elegant features on both of our candidates. I do favor Mr. President’s brow bone better, while Mitt’s strong jaw is a plus. But those ears. It’ll be a nine to Romney, an eight to Obama.
Body: I like ‘em skinny, so Barack has my vote (Get it? Vote? Sorry). However, Romney’s manly build is certainly endearing. Luckily, the unbiased writer doesn’t know that Obama only stays skinny by smoking, so he’s tilting the scale on this one. Mitt gets a seven in this category, Obama a seven and a half.
Walk: Mitt’s long stride or Obama’s suave shuffle? I’m a big fan of Romney’s commanding steps as he walks around wherever, and it is almost enough to distract from his words. He takes the dime in the category. Obama with a strong eight, his old b-ballin’ days not letting him down one bit.
Smile: Although both of these men have the least genuine smiles of forever, they’re both quite nice to look at. Not a huge fan of Romney’s closed-mouth grin (or anyone’s, for that matter), but his teeth are nice when he shows ‘em off. Six. Mr. President has a childish smile that’s just adorable. Unless he’s being malicious. A seven for him.
Wife: Tens to both. Fo sho.
BONUS: Also known as deductions. Both of them get an automatic five points off for being such liars. Unbiased or not, that hurts a score. Three off for the smug looks they each get when the other is talking. Plus two for being eloquent under pressure. Underrated awesome. Plus two to Obama for dancing on Ellen a few years ago.
But Alex! The deductions weren’t very bipartisan.
TOTALS: Barack Obama, 68. Mitt Romney, 61. Fair is fair.
And that is how we will decide who is the next president of the United States of America.
Alex, Alex! What’s the point of all this? This, my friends, is a satire of our society. Why do we care what our candidates look like? As Richard Nixon said of Bobby Kennedy, (in the film JFK, perhaps not real life), “he’s like a goddamn rock star.”
Let’s try to imagine how these men will affect our lives instead of how they would look naked (however difficult that may be). I’m as guilty as anyone, but with that I must prompt you, no matter how my conclusion aligns with yours: Don’t boo, vote.
Think Alex missed the mark by not including the third party candidates? Let her know which candidate’s poll you’d like to see rise at atucker3@wisc.edu.
