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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, March 03, 2024

Fake News Friday: Ian’s Pizza is ‘really good,’ freshman says

After dining at Ian’s Pizza on State Street Thursday night, University of Wisconsin-Madison freshman Drew Lingidiot said it was “really good.”

“Dude I totally blacked out last night,” said Lingidiot, recollecting his evening. “I was about two beers deep, just sooo completely wasted. It was Thirsty Thursday so obviously I’m goin’ ham, and then some guys down the hall are like ‘BRO! Let’s go to Ian’s’ and so we packed Sellery 6A into an elevator and walked over there, all 40 of us. I don’t even know how we got there, man, we were sooooo hammered.”

Lingidiot recalls the excitement of the popping of his Ian’s cherry, which was probably really fucking difficult after two whole beers.

“We got there around 12:30 a.m. and the line was already getting pretty long, especially since all of 4B decided to come along at the last minute too. I finally got up to the counter and was feeling pretty ballsy so I decided to go with a slice of the Mac ’n’ Cheese pizza. And from what I can remember, since I was just smashed off of those Keystones, it was really good.”

After ceremoniously tossing his grease-soaked paper plate onto the street because who really gives a shit about littering when they’re “plastered” anyway, Lingidiot and his floormates safely made it back to Sellery, where they proceeded to draw dicks of all shapes, sizes and degrees of hairiness on the whiteboards hanging on people’s doors.

“I’m just glad I had my lanyard around my neck with my keys and WisCard or I would’ve lost ’em for sure. It was craaaazyyyy,” said Lingidiot. “But Ian’s, bro. Really good. I’m a regular there so I’ll take you sometime. You’ve just gotta try it.”

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