Over the past couple of years, I have come to realize the go-to question for relatives and/or acquaintances I do not see on a regular basis is, “You got a special someone these days?” Naturally, my inner feminist scrambles for a biting remark to answer this question. First of all, why is this the question that trumps all other possible pieces of personal information one could attempt to inquire about? For example, you could ask about my job at The Daily Cardinal, my aspirations for after I graduate (of which I have narrowed down to round about 16 different possibilities) or how life has been treating me since I turned 21. But alas, those questions are not nearly as enthralling as my relationship status.
After I politely reply, “Nope, still flyin’ solo,” 99.9 percent of the time the knee-jerk response is, “Oh, well don’t worry. You’re young, you’ve got plenty of time!” Da fuck?
Now I never thought it was a tragedy to be single, particularly when you have a meager 21 years under your belt. In fact, for the past three years I have prided myself on being independent—you call it single, I call it a license to do whatever tickles my fancy. Sure I’ve had the occasional fling or two during my college career, but nothing past the few weeks of butterflies in your stomach every time your phone lights up. I consider this relatively normal for a gal my age, but a couple of recent instances have made me start to wonder if I should be movin’ past the “we’re just talking” stage and headin’ down the “let’s make dinner and do domestic activities together” phase.
Exhibit A: I was browsing the cookbook collection at Borders the other day and spotted a book entitled “Table for One,” complete with entrees, side dishes and desserts perfectly portioned for one. Could a cookbook be more perfect for a young, college female like myself? I think not. However, the couple next to me (probably looking at cookbooks entitled, “Top 100 Aphrodisiac Meals” or “Breakfast in Bed: Perfect Meals for the Morning After”) apparently thought my current relationship status a bit pathetic since they turned to me and said, “Aww, that’s sad,” as I browsed the dessert section.
I purchased the book in spite of their comment, and let me tell you, the book did not disappoint— perfectly portioned curry chicken for one has satisfied me on more than one occasion since said purchase. However, as I was venturing home the other day, my cab driver turned and asked me, “So how long have you and your boyfriend been dating?” My immediate thought was, “Is this real life?” Biting my tongue so as not to offend him with a sarcastic quip, I responded with the usual, “I do not have a boyfriend.” In response, he asked me why I don’t attend more frat parties so that I can meet a boyfriend and get the frat boys to buy me drinks.
At this point, he’d just opened up a whole new can of worms. I no longer could suppress my urge to counter him with a biting remark, so I simply told him I did not need to go to a frat party to get free drinks and furthermore, I did not need any man to buy me a drink. Did this stop his incessant inquisition into my “sad,” loveless life? Certainly not. He took it a step further and asked if I got straight As since I clearly am not spending time socializing with the opposite sex. I curtly responded “yes,” and that finally shut the bastard up.
A couple weeks later, while I was out tossing back a Hopalicious or three with some of my comrades, a friend of mine tried setting me up with literally every male that came within arm’s reach of us. Apparently, my perpetual state of being single has even become too much for those dear and near to me. Thus, I have decided to dedicate the rest of this column to my loved ones (and strangers), so deeply concerned about the fate of my love life, by creating a personal ad of sorts. Here’s the catch: Rather than list off all of my supposed “good” qualities, I’m going to stick to the cold, hard facts because if, in fact, someone should ever become romantically interested, the phase where you’re blind to your partner’s flaw fades relatively quickly. Better to determine if you’ve got any qualms with my quirks before any messy emotions get involved in the mix.
SINGLE GAL SEEKING CHIVALROUS KNIGHT
Name: Rebecca Alt
Sex: Female
Age: 21
Interested in: Males
A few of his/her favorite things: Baby carrots, bow ties and that’s what she said jokes.
Favorite topic of discussion: Bodily functions (e.g. poop) and food, sometimes in the same sentence.
Favorite word: Poopoo and toot.
Favorite pastime activities: Cleaning with a chalice of wine.
Favorite activities to do with significant other: Not cuddle.
Childhood idol: The Dude.
Deal breakers: Snoring, chewing with your mouth open, breathing at an audible volume, incessant sweating while inactive and not knowing who Genuine is.
Pet Peeve: When people touch my face.
Talents: Sarcasm.
What I am looking for: Besides a knight in shining
armor to sweep me off my feet? A crumber.
Dating prerequisites: Separate bedrooms.
Think Rebecca sounds like the one? She probably isn’t, but interested parties can e-mail her at alt2@dailycardinal.com.
