We get it. Snooki’s due date is right around the end of the world as predicted by the Mayans. Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian. Lady Gaga wears weird clothing. We get it. We get the fact that you want to make fun of these people, that you want to suggest another athlete Kim Kardashian should date, that you cannot believe Lindsay Lohan can do lines of cocaine but not lines on “Saturday Night Live,” that you think the cast of “Jersey Shore” must have herpes by now. We get it. Think before you slander someone or something. No, this is not me appealing to your moral side and asking you not to make fun of people. This is a plea for everyone to stop making fun of easy targets.
What constitutes an easy target? Anything in the media that has been beaten to death—twice. You might have an awesome quip about Charlie Sheen’s drug habits and “winning” mantra, but just stop—we get it. Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and anyone who is a fool enough to be on reality TV are easy targets (Seriously, people on “Road Rules/Real World Challenge,” I love your show, but all of you—especially you Johnny Bananas—need to get real jobs). They have shamed themselves so much at this point that picking on them is just mean.
This is not to say I have not been involved in “easy-pickings” (just thought that up, nice right?), but I think it would be easier for everyone if we all stopped together, as a family, a family of Thundercats.
Why do we make fun of these easy-pickings? In the case of reality television, it is because we are astonished and disheartened by the fact that these people, who have no real skills, are becoming millionaires. We are all a little jealous that cameras are not following us around, capturing every stupid thing we do. As for teen celebs, we hate them because teen girls love them. Check out Twitter’s trending topics to see that at any given time Justin Bieber is making the cut.
But I am not here to take away your punching bag. So who can we make fun of? Well, I have compiled a list of people of people who have not gotten the disrespect they deserve.
Pitbull: He is 5-foot nothing, endorses everything from Dr. Pepper to tampons and is possibly the worst rapper to hit the mainstream (once he rhymed “Kodak” with “Kodak,” I knew he deserved more shit). He is the least taunted person in the world, and that needs to change.
Doug Hutchinson: Everyone was quick to judge Courtney Stodden, the 16-year-old bride, for being too risqué, but we need to address her 51-year-old, D-list husband: You, sir, are a pedophile (Side note: If all it takes to become a D-list celebrity is to appear in five minutes of “The Green Mile” and six episodes of “Lost,” Kathy Griffin deserves an upgrade to the C-list).
The History Channel: I did not know rednecks searching for aliens and alligators constituted history. America’s screwed.
Jose Canseco: Browsing Canseco’s Twitter feed is like peering into the mind of a madman. He gave his phone number to Lady Gaga, told Justin Bieber he is just like him and answers questions from fans. Ha, just kidding about that last part—he berates them verbally because everyone hates his guts.
Taylor Swift: I am not a T-Swift fan, and people always ask me why. Here is the thing: She always plays the role of a sweet, country girl while the men she dates—and dumps—are written off as terrible. Isn’t it possible that she is just a bad girlfriend or not what she seems? Maybe it is her fault Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer and Joe Jonas broke up with her.
NBC: The proverbial fourth-best network has done some stupid things lately, namely putting “Community” on hiatus, keeping “Whitney” on the air, premiering “Are You There, Chelsea?” and not ending “The Office.” This little brother network needs to be kicked in the rear because they have definitely Britta’d it.
LMFAO: For starters, Redfoo (lolz) is 11 years older and the uncle of SkyBlu (double lolz). Next, the duo is only famous because Berry Gordy, the founder of Motown Records, is their father/grandfather. Have you ever listened to one of their songs and thought, “Man, that was an experience unlike any other. I hope I hear that on the radio over and over again for the next three months!” Of course not, and if you have, then you deserve to be on this list.
Duck-face poses: Oh pretty girls on the Internet, why do you make yourselves look like 40-year-old platypuses? Stick with your lovely smiles.
TLC: The Learning Channel (seriously?) has taught me more about people with eating plastic, dressing their four-year-old daughters in incredibly inappropriate outfits and hoarding a collection of dust and herpes-ridden junk than I could ever wish to know.
Now that we have the list, I have a contract for us all to sign:
I, _________________, will always think before I make fun of a reality star, teen heartthrob or drugged-up celebrity. I will only attack those that deserve to be knocked down a peg on the fame scale. I will be creative and hilarious in my speech. And, if all else fails, I will make fun of my friends like a normal person.
Got a celeb or two you would like to add to Michael’s list? Clue him in by sending an e-mail to mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
