I started my senior year with two goals I hoped to accomplish by the end of the 30 weeks: graduate and return to the weight I first walked through Witte’s doors at. Like most college students, I have gained some poundage over the years, approximately 10 pounds. And while I have enjoyed every last bottle of Spotted Cow and every single loaf of spicy cheesy bread, I felt my final year of college was the time to make a change, if in no other form than light beer.
Well, with three months still remaining in my undergraduate career, I am happy to announce I have already reached said goal. And while yes, a disappointingly large portion of this lost weight has come out of my bra, and yes, what had already been my nonexistent butt is now even smaller, I am still happy to have crossed that finish line.
When I tell friends of my accomplishment, many ask how I pulled it off. In addition to sharing my oh-so successful techniques with them, I will now share them with you. However, I must warn you, my diet practices would not impress health experts anywhere. They are not exactly orthodox. Still, in case you are wondering, this is what worked for me. You may want to stick with the low-carb gig, though.
Get a job two miles away from your apartment and refuse to learn the bus routes
I am the master of this practice. Having lived on Old University for two years now, people commonly ask how often I take the bus. The answer is never. Truly, despite living a mile away from most campus buildings (and even further from the Old Fashioned—eek), not once have I taken advantage of Metro Transit. Hell, I don’t even have a bus pass.
The reasoning behind this is very simple: Exercising sucks balls. Jogging is for masochists and people who hate themselves. As for yoga, I would rather eat a pretzel than be a pretzel. Ergo, walking is the only kind of physical activity I get on a regular basis. Thus, when I landed an internship at the Pawnee Madison Parks Division at the start of this semester, I decided walking to the east side of the Capitol everyday would be exercise enough.
Replace one meal a day with something that tastes like cardboard
Does Kashi make it? Does your cereal box read “Grape Nuts?” You are on the right track! My poison was something called Think Thin bars, available at Trader Joe’s. About as appetizing as compressed feces, these brownie flavored (ha!) bars have 20 grams of protein and zero grams of deliciousness. Still, thanks to said protein, they keep you full until your next meal, for which you can eat something less processed than this vile concoction.
Get lost in the UW Arboretum
This is a win-win move. You get lost in arguably the most beautiful place in Madison while being forced to exercise.
This is something I did just two weeks ago. On that delightfully sunny, warm Saturday, my friend and fellow Page Two columnist Ariel and I went for what was supposed to be a leisurely walk through the Arboretum. We ended up losing track of time and walking the whole five-mile path. Not bad, except for the fact that it spits you out in west Madison, meaning we had another five god forsaken miles to walk before descending upon the area we call home. The adventure left our feet quite sore—mine had been ambitiously (read: stupidly) clad in a pair of worn out TOMS—and turned what had been my case of the sniffles into a full-blown sinus infection, but it meant we could grab a guilt-free dinner at Bluephies toward the end of the walk. If that’s not dieting I don’t know what is.
Never sleep
I am no dietary sciences major, but I have to assume we humans burn more calories when we are awake versus when we are snoozing. This is the reality I choose to live by, anyway, because a good night’s sleep for me generally looks like five hours—tops. It is painful, and I am missing out on a lot of steamy dream sequences, but it has proven great for the waistline!
This semester, I am working three jobs while taking eight credits. What can I say? I guess I bite off more than I can chew at places other than the dinner table. That combined with an urge to use the “I’m a second semester senior!”-excuse far too many nights a week means “zzz’s” are in short supply these days. That said, this gives you more time to burn off those calories, even if they are coming in the form of vodka sodas.
I (and Bruno Mars) would like to leave you with this final reminder: YOU ARE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, and anyone who thinks otherwise can lick a toilet seat. Plus, you could end up like me. Your jeans still fit, but you are suddenly in desperate need of smaller bras. Hooray for results?
Are you appalled by Jacqueline’s bizarre diet techniques? Tell her how she should be keeping thin by emailing jgoreilly@dailycardinal.com.
