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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, December 01, 2023

FAKE NEWS FRIDAY: Gov. Scott Walker robs UW-Madison blind

Gov. Scott Walker was seen walking around campus with an overstuffed sack Thursday, around the same time the Abe Lincoln statue and at least five of the university's most illustrious professors disappeared.

The UW System is already expected to absorb 38 percent of the recent $123 million budget shortfall, but Walker chose to use his executive privilege to take matters into his own hands.

Some students were upset about the stealing spree, including UW-Madison junior Steve Erdmann, who said he touches the Abe statue before each of his exams for good luck. Erdmann worried about his academic future if the statue is gone for good.

"If I fail out of college, the best I can do is become governor of Wisconsin, and who wants to do that?" he said.

Other students were perplexed when a masked man with a very conspicuous bald spot ran into their classroom, grabbed the professor, Pete Anderson, and bolted out. Some students in the class, Nutritional Sciences 132, thought it would be beneficial to not "worry about eating healthy anymore."

"I can eat at Chipotle and Five Guys in the same day and not hear about how young I am going to die, so that's pretty cool," said one student, who requested to remain anonymous.

Walker spokesperson Cullen Werwie said the embattled governor decided to take a more direct approach when further lapses were required to balance the state's budget.

"When he tried to just push people out in his passive aggressive style last year, only Biddy and Jeremy Suri left," Werwie said. "That just wasn't enough."

One student said she saw a large dismembered ear poking out of the bag, which Werwie admitted belonged to Chancellor David Ward.

"How could he not take one of those? They are huge," Werwie said. "Walker understands he shouldn't just take from the students anymore, but that cuts must affect the administration as well."

Ward's response to multiple phone calls was limited to a loud "What?" being yelled repeatedly.

Werwie estimated that between the professors' salaries, the Lincoln statue and Ward's ear, the state would save almost $46 million, allowing other UW campuses to remain intact.

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"It's just a great day for the taxpayers, and the governor cannot wait to see how strongly the public responds with support in the recall election," Werwie said.


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