There was a time in my life when I genuinely despised Apple. Sure, my reasons weren't fantastic for hating them—almost every person walks around with those idiotic earbuds, they have a smug Justin Long in their annoying commercials and iTunes now makes me feel guilty for downloading music illegally—but they were reasons nonetheless. Now, however, I just think they are brilliant. Apple has proven it can literally sell anything as long as they slap a little apple on it. Their newest creation of either sheer genius or dark humor, the iPad, is even greater proof. Apple has become so cocky that they've chosen the worst name they could think of for their latest monstrosity. Like most others, when I first heard the name, I thought the iPad was something females stuck between their legs, not a tablet computer. However, I've learned that the iPad is only the beginning of Apple's campaign to see just how ridiculous they can be and still sell products. Just get a load of some of these new products Apple plans to release in 2010:
iMate
Are you sick of traversing the dangerous roads of real-life dating and keeping up with the pitfalls of an honest, human relationship? Don't you wish your significant other could be modified and changed to your liking? Now you can stop wishing and start living with Apple's iMate! The iMate is a humanoid robot that can be tailored to your specific wants or desires in a relationship! Using Apple's iMate App Store, you can buy specific changes or upgrades to make your iMate the way you want it! Always wished your significant other was sexually attracted to your comic book collection? There's an App for that! Want your girlfriend to look like an Asian woman peeling a banana? There's an App for that! Ladies, ever wished your guy looked like Edward from ""Twilight"" and also periodically suck the blood from your veins? There's an App for that!
iBrator
Ladies, have you ever been frustrated by the fact that you couldn't pleasure yourself to the beat and rhythm of John Mayer's soothing vocals, catchy guitar riffs and racist sentiments? Have no fear... Apple has you covered! Introducing the iBrator, an mp3-playing vibrator that shakes, rattles and rolls to your uploaded playlists! Want to know what it feels like to have a Jonas Brothers orgy while they softly croon about how they are ""Burnin' Up""? Ever wonder what it would be like to handcuff Rick Astley to your headboard and make sweet love to him while he sings ""Never Gonna Give You Up""? Talk about being Rick Rolled! With the new iBrator, all of your singer-related sexual fantasies will come true! Also comes with free bottle of iLube, the only lube that features a ""shuffle"" option.
iTrap
Waiting for the next big Apple gimmick that you can throw piles of money at while you get almost nothing in return? Start saving now for Apple's iTrap, the next hip, trendy gadget that gives you minimal features for an outrageous sum of money! The iTrap is perfect for anyone who wants to look like they can afford Apple products and appear smart enough to use them. The new iTrap doesn't have any new features or enticing upgrades from the previous iPods, iMacs or iAnythings, but it does come with opportunities to spend more money! Using the all-new Apple Trapp Store, users can buy pointless applications, known by the hip name ""Trapps,"" to make themselves feel tech savvy and intelligent. Want to know how to disarm a simple pipe bomb? There's a Trapp for that! Want to know how many drinks you'll need to have before that 40-year-old single mother at the bar will appear attractive? There's a Trapp for that! The best part? The iTrap connects directly to your bank account, so you can just sit back while the iTrap slowly drains your unborn child's college funds! Fantastic!
Want to sign up now to reserve your iBrator in advance? Contact Jon at spike@wisc.edu.
