Girl walking home wearing frat boy's sweatpants ‘isn't fooling anyone,' sources say
Christie Mathews insists that she and well-known womanizer Nick Jackson are simply ""study buddies"" after being questioned by reporters while walking from Jackson's residence to her own at approximately 7:45 a.m. local time Sunday morning. Mathews was seen wearing Jackson's ""Beaver High School Wrestling"" sweatpants, as well as a men's large North Face coat, heavily rumored to belong to Jackson, while she made the journey that the liar insists was ""definitely not a walk of shame.""
Despite Mathews' repeated claims that she simply ""fell asleep"" after studying ""for hours"" with Jackson Saturday night, even friends remain skeptical of Mathews' version of the events.
""I saw her around midnight at Brothers with Nick, yeah, she looked wasted. But then again, Christie's always getting wasted. She says they didn't fuck? She isn't fooling anyone,"" said eyewitness and fellow Biology 101 classmate Brad Tillman.
When reporters asked Jackson about the night's events the following day, he evaded the question.
""I don't kiss and tell and me saying that doesn't necessarily mean that me and Christie hooked up,"" Jackson said with an obnoxious grin. ""All I can say is that I'm at college to have a good time and above all to GET THE JOB DONE, ya know what I'm saying?"" Jackson then pretended to shoot an imaginary basket into an imaginary hoop and made a ""swish"" sound with his mouth.
As reporters started to leave Jackson's residence, Jackson's roommate and fellow douchebag Trey Abrams entered the apartment and asked Jackson how his Saturday night had gone. Jackson responded that he ""got another notch on the old belt"" before making repeated pelvic thrusts toward his roommate while pretending to spank an imaginary buttocks.
—Phil Vesselinovitch
Comm. Arts student finds professor on Chat Roulette, feels really uncomfortable
UW-Madison sophomore Chrissy Anderson was still in shock yesterday after encountering her Comm. Arts professor on the social networking website Chat Roulette.
""I had just clicked past another guy masturbating, and there was professor Michaels, staring at me,"" Anderson said. ""I was in my pajamas and everything.""
Chat Roulette, a site that randomly connects users via webcam, has led to a number of strange and hilarious encounters.
""My friend saw his dad on there the other day,"" junior Greg McLellan said. ""They were both holding signs that said ‘show titties please.' He said it was pretty damn awkward.""
Professor Harold Michaels, a media studies professor in the Communication Arts Department, insisted his use of Chat Roulette was purely for research purposes.
""I teach a class called ‘Critical Internet Studies,' of course I'm going to be on Chat Roulette!"" Michaels said. ""The fact that I was wearing a mesh tank top was entirely coincidental.""
Michaels said he would continue his research on Chat Roulette but would most likely wear a ""Friday the 13th"" mask in the future to avoid any future confrontations.
""I wish Chrissy the best of luck this semester,"" Michaels said. ""But if she thinks she can use this to get extra credit, she's out of her damn mind.""
—Kevin Slane
