Deer Cardinal,
I'm from Florida, and I can't handle this cold. I've been wearing long underwear everywhere I go, but I still feel like my body temperature is dropping to dangerously low levels. How can I make Wisconsin feel like the balmy haven it should be?
-Frankie J
Frank-furter,
Normally, I would advise that you continue what you're doing, and wear more layers than an onion. However, it sounds like the Wisconsin wind cuts you straight to the bone, so more drastic measures may be in order.
First off, pick up a Russian class. Then, when you've begun to appreciate the ways of the Kremlin and $2 vodka, apply for a study abroad program to Siberia. Don't even worry about applying through the university, in fact the more illegitimate and seedy the program is, the better. If you're lucky, you'll spend the semester in a rickety hut with no electricity and a yak for a history professor. If you even think about complaining, you'll have to talk to your program advisor, and he's a bipolar ex-KGB officer named Boris.
If you survive that semester of hell, anything Wisconsin can dish out will be a breeze. You may never be able to go back to Florida again without sweating profusely, but that's the price you'll have to pay for a great academic experience at UW.
Deer Cardinal,
Professor C. here, long-time reader, first-time writer. Anyways, I feel like my students are reading your column too much in my class, rather than paying attention to my incredibly important lectures. How am I supposed to maintain legitimacy as a professor if my students are taking advice from stuff they read in newspaper columns instead of what I teach them in class?
-Professor C.
Salutations Prof!
Listen, I'm all about respecting your elders, but are you really going to blame your classroom woes on a half-deer, half-cardinal who dispenses phony advice once a week? Students these days do seem to be more distracted, what with updating their Twitters and Facebook statuses in class and scrolling through their RSS feeds instead of reading your PowerPoint slides. The point is, they're going to find something to distract them no matter what, whether it be me, Perez Hilton, or a blog post listing five reasons Professor C. is a doo-doo head. Your only options are to be less sensitive and let the distracted students miss out on your valuable lesson, or adopt a Draconian stance and ban all electronic devices from your classroom. Or you could simply make your lecture more interesting, so your students aren't such wastes of space. The choice... is yours!
Did you catch that ""Captain Planet"" reference at the end there? E-mail me about '80s cartoons at deercardinal@dailycardinal.com.
