I get a lot of mail, electronic and otherwise, asking me for things. Money is a popular request but also time and blood. The latter two I have good reason for hoarding. Although I could probably get along fine with less blood, I have yet to find a graceful way to remove it from my body. The smell of antiseptic makes me dizzy, and I hyperventilate in the presence of needles. I've learned through first-hand experience that even when provided with written consent, the American Red Cross absolutely refuses to draw blood from a person who has fainted.
Money, however, is another matter. Whenever I try to mourn wages lost to rent, food and the cracks between sofa cushions, my wailing is interrupted by unlimited texting and Amazon deliveries. New clothes and bottled rather than boxed wine are positive proof of a disposable income.
I suppose I could donate to a political campaign. But while the field of presidential candidates is much more promising than the last time around, elections are one of the few chances I have to vote with my ballot, and so I'd rather save my dollar votes for something else. Specifically, I'd like to vote in favor of manatees.
Turned on to their Adopt-A-Manatee"" program by a public service announcement, I've been reading up on the Florida-based Save the Manatee Club (www.savethemanatee.org). Just like adopting a child or a two-mile stretch of interstate, manatee custody is not something to rush into. After looking over the organization's website, however, I've decided to go for it, having compiled my reasons for doing so in a concise list.
#1: Manatees, as a species, are endangered and are under constant threat by boat strikes and habitat destruction.
#2: Unlike a child, manatees can easily be reared by other manatees. That means never having to wake up at 2 a.m. for a late-night feeding or being hassled by a truancy officer about why your manatee is constantly absent from school.
#3: Their little fins!
#4: Unlike a dolphin or killer whale, you can be relatively sure you won't face the shame of seeing your manatee turning tricks at Sea World 10 years down the road.
#5: The legend of the mermaid is thought to have arisen from manatee sightings, at once a testament to both the rich mythology of the sea and also the abject loneliness of sailors. NOTE: There is a manatee named Ariel available for adoption.
#6: Manatees are mammals, hence they have mammary glands. In the fight to save them, the taste of victory will be a tall glass of manatee milk.
#7: As champions for their causes, global poverty has Live 8, world peace has the United Nations, the environment has Captain Planet. So far, manatees have Jimmy Buffett.
#8: Valentine's Day is coming. Well-aware of the manatee's cute factor, the Save the Manatee Club announces ""Win some hearts this Valentine's Day ... select a manatee from the adoption program to match your personality or the personality of someone you love."" The personalized holiday card is tempting but care should be taken here. While the girth of the manatee is one of its most loveable traits, that may not be the best line of logic to use should the object of your affections be easily offended. Thank God there's also the...
#9: Free plush toy! Though manatees are about as close to plush toys as evolution has so far ventured, the average adult weighs in at an unwieldy 1,100 pounds. Use this little fella as a pillow or a cushion.
Happy sea cows come from the coast of Florida and West Africa. E-mail your manatee adoption plans to Matt at hunziker@wisc.edu.
