My fellow Americans, I come before you today to make an announcement that is going to fricking blow your minds. After several exploratory committees and countless hours poured over extensive research I have decided to throw my hat into the ring for the presidency of this great and prosperous nation. This may come as a shock to those near and dear to me, but I have been considering it for a good 10 minutes now, and it really seems like a good idea.
I was inspired by my disappointment in the performance of the candidates thus far. Until recently, I had been gunning for Christopher Walken '08. That is until CNN denounced his campaign's website as an elaborate hoax, reducing my What Would Walken Do?"" thong from strong feminist message to object of masculine confusion.
There are several obstacles facing me that may make me a dark horse candidate. First off, there is the fact that I am only 20, and one is only eligible for the presidency at age 35. After many debates my campaign manager, a half-eaten turkey sandwich, assured me this is ""only a slight obstacle, and by overcoming it [I] will be a champion of humanity.""
Next is my campaign fund. As of today, I have $37.12 in my war chest, most of this resulting from finding $20 on State Street.
People also cite my lack of experience as a major downfall. Now, I know my acting abilities do not and could not be compared to Walken or even Stephen Colbert, but I know I stand a chance against Fred Thompson. He's the Republican candidate who starred on ""Law and Order."" While I have never been on a successful TV show, I did star as Martha Washington in a grade school play once and have branched into several other politically charged pieces.
But experience is not the only thing to consider when choosing what candidate to support. I have a strong stance on the issues that concern the American people. I swear I will not let Jim and Pam from ""The Office"" go the way of Ross and Rachel from ""Friends."" Neither I, nor the American people can go through that again.
I fear that we are too under-prepared for the day when our computers revolt against us. To crush the technological rebellion, I pledge to create an army of robotic enforcement officers. These ""Robocops"" will bridge the enforcement gap between man, machine, and mid-'80s action flick.
I will tackle the things politicians these days are afraid of. Surrounding the country in a life-size model of the game Mousetrap will solve immigration. Any immigrant who can get through is more than welcome to settle here. And war? World leaders gathering together to play Risk will solve military disputes. And while I may not be the best strategist, I am a world-class cheater. Putin will never notice that half his army disappeared when he got up to refill his lemonade. I am also considering tackling the social security issue with a Twister-inspired strategy, but that is at least 10 years away.
Now, I know some of you may have heard about my involvement in a minor-friendly opium den, but I want you to know I have moved past those dark times. I have since found Jesus, given up opiates, and make it through each day by reflecting on the mantra embossed on my Walken-themed panties.
A key aspect to a campaign is the choice of running mate. I considered my options, and finally decided on Albus Dumbledore. As the first openly gay vice president, he will deal with homeland security issues and dark wizards. Duane ""The Rock"" Johnson was a close second, but I opted to abuse my executive powers to appoint him to the Senate, if only to hear him ask: ""Can you smell what The Rock is legislating?""
So, my fellow Americans, I ask you to put as much consideration into your vote as I put into my campaign; at least 10 minutes and on the advice of a half-eaten turkey sandwich.
If you would like to purchase a ""Corbett '08"" thong, e-mail Megan at mcorbett2@wisc.edu.
