Jack Nicholson, it's time to turn in your badge. You had a good run, but it's over. You no longer hold the title of the coolest guy in the room.""
For years, Jack, I was sure that you held that title proudly and used it. You were the top of the A-list, with magnetism only the silver fox of Hollywood could possess. I knew that whenever you walked into a party, the music turned off, and the glitterati hushed. You were the coolest guy in the
room no matter what room you were in.
There's a lot that goes in to being the coolest. You can never be seen in anything but the finest suits, and a pair of shades doesn't hurt. Just check any picture of you sitting courtside at a Lakers game, style personified.
We have never seen you in a compromising Britney-esque photo or any embarrassing Nick Nolte-like mug shots. No matter where you were, you had the same self-satisfied, calm and collected look on your face. You were so cool that when you played the Joker, you made us root against Batman. You were recently quoted as saying, ""I only take Viagra when I'm with more than one woman."" You, Mr. Nicholson, were the real easy rider.
But things changed. Until ""The Departed"" last year, you hadn't made a relevant film in years. You showed up to the Oscars last year with your head shaved, and you no longer looked like the senior delegate of chill. In fact, you looked more like a manatee in a tux.
I saw ""The Departed"" again this weekend, and I couldn't help but feel disturbed. I think what bothered me more than anything else was you didn't seem like the same old Jack I'd learned to love in movies like ""As Good as It Gets"" and ""Chinatown."" That Nicholson was a scoundrel but secretly had a heart of gold. Sure you tried to poison Gotham City, but you always ensured your victims went out with a smile.
As I watched ""The Departed,"" you negotiated drug trades, ordered the whackings of police officials and when the cops got close, you looked scared and sad. That, to paraphrase Don McLean, is the day the cool died.
I was adrift without my anchor of cool for a good three hours. But then I was hit by a revelation as I caught ""Ocean's Eleven"" on cable. I watched as this man got hauled away by the cops without a tinge of fear in his eyes. He looked like he could be off to a GQ shoot. George Clooney is the new coolest guy in the room.
How cool is Clooney? Nurses got fired for selling his medical records to the paparazzi after his recent motorcycle accident. If anyone got your records, Jack, could they focus on anything besides the giant prostate? I'm not so sure.
You had a good run, Jack, if you count your reign from 1975's ""One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"" to the present - 32 years. That beats the reign of France's Louis XVI, and he only schtupped Marie Antoinette, who, between you and me, I hear was a royal biotch. You had your pick of the finest women L.A. had to offer.
Oh well. All good things must end. I guess that's why you take Viagra.
If you are also concerned with Jack Nicholson's recent life choices, e-mail Brad at boron@wisc.edu.
