Did you know that there are a variety of fun and neat things to do with a bicycle? It's true! In fact, I made an enumerated listing of these fun and great tasks:
1. Ride it.
2. Pretend you're on a special above-water submarine.
3. Weld the left handbrake to the frame, apply a liberal dose of Vaseline and create a suitcase nuke, much like MacGyver once did.
4. Put a baseball card in the spoke, so it makes a fun ""clicky-clack"" noise.
These may come as no surprise to those of you who are bicycally inclined. For those of you who recently had their bikes stolen, like me, you might have a different view on what you can do with a bike.
I'll enumerate.
1. Cry about how long it takes you to get anywhere.
2. Cry about the lack of non-foot transportation.
3. Cry whenever you hear the song ""Bicycle Race"" by Queen, especially the part when Freddie Mercury plaintively states ""I want to ride my bicycle.""
4. Cry whenever Kate Winslet dumps Leonardo DiCaprio in the water. It's not bike related, but you need to be a cannon to not water up at that scene.
Yes, it's true, my bike was recently stolen. Never shall I ride again. The pleasurable ""clicky-clack"" is no more. A common bicycle thief made sure I'd never see it again.
Last week I walked out of my apartment, ready to jump on the bike which I had so lovingly dubbed ""Black Trek 1100 Bike with the Racing Handle Bars and the Broken Water Bottle Holder which was Broken because I Had So Commonly Wedged My U-shaped Bicycle Lock in that Position when It Clearly Did Not Belong There,"" or BT1100BRHBBWBHBIHSCWMUBLPITCDNBT for short. Sadly, BT1100BRHBBWBHBIHSCWMUBLPITCDNBT was curiously absent, in its place was only the front wheel, the rest of the bike was missing in action.
I'm not too upset because I realize this was probably some misunderstanding. The douche who stole my bike probably didn't even mean to do so in the first place. I'm guessing it was a strung-out comm arts major who spent too much time watching Vittorio De Sica's ""Ladri di biciclette,"" better known as ""The Bicycle Thief."" After watching that film, combined with getting huffed up on Quaaludes, he realized stealing a random bicycle could be a good idea.
Here's the part where I laugh at him. As I've learned in all of my comm arts classes, never combine Italian Neo-Realism and drugs, because this weakens the Italian Neo-Realist aesthetic, and then none of the bad is seen, only bicycle-stealing goodness.
Another way I can laugh at him is he didn't steal my front tire, since it was locked to the bicycle rack. This will present a number of problems to him, because not only does the front tire even out the weight distribution with the back tire, it's also invaluable with the steering mechanisms of bikes.
I'm well aware this bike thief could be a unicyclist, and riding with only one wheel is old hat to him, but this seems doubtful because unicyclists are generally gypsy-hippies who would never dream of inflicting the pain of a stolen bike on others.
All I have to say to you bicycle thief is gypsy or not, comm arts major or not, I will find you. I will get my bike back. I will one day be MacGyver.
