most unusual party"" is how my brother Eric termed his wedding last weekend, and it lived up to its billing.
But it would be boring for me to just write all of the unusual happenings of it—instead I'll let you navigate in a ""Choose Your Own Adventure"" rivaling 1994's CYOA opus ""War with the Mutant Spider Ants (Choose Your Own Adventure, 152).""
Whenever I read CYOA books as a young lad, I'd always try to take the path where I'd die quickest. Maybe a Mosasaur would feast on my insides or the Sasquatch would yodel me to death. Sure, I ""died,"" but I did ""finish"" many books that way.
There were only six deaths at the wedding, but for CYOA purposes, this story will feature more. So be prepared to start your adventure, because it's time for...
A Most Unusual Party
(Chose Your Own Adventure, 186)
You walk the streets of Minneapolis, desperately seeking the wedding. You see a theater advertising a pagan band ""Cloud Cult"" but no church.
If you want to ask a Golden Gopher fan for directions, go to Section C. If you want to go in the theater, go to Section E.
Section A: You sit down and watch the ceremony. The comfy sofa allows you to watch the ceremony in peace. After the vows, a gong, dubbed the ""Unity Gong,"" is struck. Becky and Eric are officially married! That can only mean one thing—time for the open bar.
If you want to immediately go and take celebratory shots, go to Section H. If you want to wait and feast on mini-hamburgers, go to Section B.
Section B: Mini-hamburgers are delicious! Good choice! After finishing your pre-meal meal, you walk past a drunken cretaceous-era sea monster. ""Lightweight,"" you scoff as it passes out. You then start drinking, and drinking and drinking. The bar is open. As midnight rolls around, the karaoke room opens up.
If you want to sing ""Kung Fu Fighting,"" go to Section F. If you want to pass out, go to Section D.
Section C: The Gopher fan knows you're from Wisconsin since you're not covered in your own drool. This angers said fan. He draws a state-issued concealed-carry Colt .45 and plugs you four times before turning the gun on himself. You die. He dies. Karma.
Section D: Passing out is the only way you could survive the night. It's how Kevin did. Congratulate him at KevinNelson@wisc.edu. You live.
Section E: Surprisingly, the wedding is actually taking place in the theater. Cloud Cult already cleared out—the presence of an Internet-ordained reverend probably frightened them off. The theater's main room overflows with globes, disco balls and a mechanical horse. Sofas and chairs line the aisles.
If you want to sit on one of the sofas, go to section A. If you want to sit in a chair, go to section G.
Section F: A passerby assumes the Carl Douglas song is a personal attack on him and he uses his ninjitsu to obliterate you. You die.
Section G: You sit down in your chair scoffing, ""Why ever would there be sofas at a wedding?"" and realize the sofas are there because the chairs are haunted, and the Internet ordination process didn't teach exorcism. You die.
Section H: You shouldn't have been in such a hurry to get to the bar. The only Mosasaur in attendance claimed first dibs and your budging angered him. He feasts upon your insides. As you fade into oblivion you hear him comment, ""It's like a big mini-hamburger."" Mosasaurs aren't the brightest of creatures. You die.
