It is not a good idea to put hot sauce in your ear. Feel free to let out a collective well duh,\ but do know this—I had to learn this the hard way.
How exactly did hot sauce find its way into my aural lobe? It was not part of some bizarre fraternity hazing ritual, nor did I randomly decide that chug-a-lugging hot sauce into my ear was a grand idea.
Before I go much further, I must talk about this hot sauce. This sauce was no Tabasco sauce. I am not weak and do not subscribe to the theory that hot sauce should have quotes around the ""hot"" portion of it. Oh no, when I want hot, I seek out the best. This hot sauce is known as ""Dave's Ultimate Insanity Sauce"" and its title could not be more apt. I'm fairly certain this ""Dave"" character is some vengeful god letting loose his wrath through the power of his sauce.
With that said, I made some scrambled eggs with a mere drop of hot sauce mixed in among two eggs. I enjoy them as the sauce slowly melts my internal organs—that's good stuff.
But I made a mistake. When I closed the hot sauce bottle, I ended up with a trace amount of the sauce on my fingers. I immediately went and washed it off, but I did not get it all washed away. A tiny remnant acted as a stowaway on my finger.
I then noticed my ear itched, so I scratched it. Later, I'd realize this was one of the worst mistakes I've made in my 21 years of life. The sauce pretended it was still acting upon my esophagus and released its accrued heat vibes, letting them run rampant through my eardrum. All of a sudden my ear felt like it spontaneously combusted, yet it was not in flames.
At this point, I don't even have the slightest idea of how to fix the problem. I try putting water in my ear. Nothing. Then I think maybe milk could work. Nothing, and my ear is sticky.
I then find the only real working solution—which is thrashing around in pain for 30 minutes, praying that my ear would just fall off. Dave would not let this occur—to this day I still have both my ears.
When I finally recovered my ability to live, I vowed I'd never make such a stupid mistake again. This means the next time I made eggs, I of course got another case of ""fire ear."" The burn once again felt horrible, but the stupidity of the mistake seemed to escalate exponentially. I told myself I'd never do that again, I need to always wash my hands after eating, etc. But I know I'll do it again and again and again.
I know this isn't the best thing to do to my body and it's entirely preventable were I to just wear gloves or something, but I'm too set in my ways to do that. People develop their habits and stick to them. With bad habits, such as smoking or ear saucing, someone might mess up their body, but they knew this getting into the habit. They knew what they faced, I know what I face with my bad habit.
With that said, it's time for breakfast, I must away. Eggs sound good.
To find out other places you should not put hot sauce, e-mail Kevin at KevinNelson@wisc.edu (hint, the eye is another no-no area).
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