THE BEET
Police horse checked into rehab after working Mifflin
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 2, 2022The officer was intoxicated after accidentally drinking from puddles of poured out liquor.
The Beet
THE BEET
Daily Cardinal daddy issues poll 2022
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 29, 2022“I don’t know of a single journalist that’s well adjusted.”
THE BEET
Actually news: The Almanac is now officially 'The Beet'
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 28, 2022The founders of The Onion, who are Cardinal alumni, are allowed to beat me up.
THE BEET
The Democrats have negotiated away the gays
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 27, 2022The move has been lauded by political leaders as a win for both sides.
THE BEET
Elon Musk buys Twitter, complains about Dollar Tree price hike
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 26, 2022The soaring price of Milk Duds left Musk’s “boner killed” and his night ruined.
THE BEET
Mortician finds dead bodies 'absolutely repulsive'
By Will Franken | Apr. 25, 2022The Janesville mortician is motivated by how disgusting corpses are before being prepared.
THE BEET
A new Democratic platform
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 25, 2022No matter how far right the Republican party goes, I vow to remain in the middle.
THE BEET
Regular Twitter use found to cause brain damage
By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 22, 2022The social media platform is not worth the brain rot.
THE BEET
Texas to remove history from curriculum due to inclusion of information
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 22, 2022State officials are ensuring that students are proud of Texas and the United States by giving them as little access to historical facts as possible.
THE BEET
Big bunny blunder: Easter Bunny delivers plagues in Passover mix-up
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 21, 2022The holiday icon left more than just candy in some Easter baskets.
THE BEET
The Wheel of Outrage: What it is and how to tune in
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 21, 2022The exclusive broadcast is free for $10.
THE BEET
Hyperactive second grader suddenly relaxed after packing ‘mommy’s special fruit snacks’ in lunch box
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 20, 2022He’s a grown-up now.
THE BEET
Taco Bell to start selling weed
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 20, 2022The fast food giant is cutting out the middleman.
THE BEET
Blessing in disguise? QAnon tells followers to become public school teachers
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 19, 2022The call to action is intended to “save the children.”
THE BEET
Bald man makes sure to tell every man with a good head of hair to 'enjoy it while it lasts'
By Will Franken | Apr. 18, 2022“I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!"
THE BEET
Pfizer announces special Easter edition Viagra
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 16, 2022Jesus’ tomb isn’t the only thing that can be hard as a rock this Easter.
THE BEET
Good Friday: The annual celebration of the Messiah’s murder
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 15, 2022Consider just leaving a bottle of brandy by the altar, apologizing and slinking away.
THE BEET
The Daily Cardinal also hid an egg on campus
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 14, 2022Leave no building intact.
THE BEET
In Memoriam: Forgetting the life of Donald Trump
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 14, 2022Now more than ever, we must set aside our differences by pretending Donald Trump never did anything bad.
THE BEET
1888 Presidential Election could be overturned after evidence of fraud surfaces
By Will Franken | Apr. 13, 2022Babies, felons and household pets were among the fraudulent voters.
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