THE BEET
Six things you need to know to be safe around Bucky
By Jeffrey Brown | Jun. 6, 2022I’ve had to learn the hard way, but you don’t have to.
The Beet
THE BEET
Stolen Memorial Union Terrace chair snitch to be banned from all neighborhood barbecues, sources of joy
By Mackenzie Moore | Jun. 2, 2022The now-ostracized neighbor was known to bring extra wet coleslaw in a poorly-sealed Ziploc sandwich bag to each neighborhood gathering.
THE BEET
Re-naming the animals at Henry Vilas Zoo: Bornean orangutan
By Mackenzie Moore | Jun. 1, 2022Orangutans look like hairy, chubby, balding middle-aged men who sit on recliners wearing nothing but tighty whities all day.
THE BEET
Man trying to stop more children from being shot ‘A sick son of a bitch’
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 27, 2022Won’t someone think of the politicians?
THE BEET
Lorne Michaels fires entire cast, will turn ‘Saturday Night Live’ into one man show
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 23, 2022“Live from New York — I’m Lorne Michaels, and you’re not.”
THE BEET
What you need to know about new UW-Madison chancellor-designee Jennifer Mnookin
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 18, 2022Hunka hunka.
THE BEET
New Glarus experiencing increase in real estate demand after out-of-state parents visit for graduation
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 16, 2022In the last two days, Zillow searches for homes in the New Glarus area have skyrocketed over 2,000%.
THE BEET
Graduating students must work on Camp Randall construction before receiving diploma
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 13, 2022Students will be allowed to decorate their shovels as long as they do not contain insulting language towards the University of Wisconsin -Madison or Chancellor Rebecca Blank.
THE BEET
NFTs are valuable now and I’m too dumb to understand it
By Jeffrey Brown | May. 12, 2022“These technological doodads are just too sophisticated for my itty bitty noggin.”
THE BEET
Texas bans left-handed athletes due to ‘unfair advantage’
By Jeffrey Brown | May. 11, 2022America’s youth are being indoctrinated, says Texas’ Governor Abbott.
THE BEET
Local mom considering sending a message by regifting candles back to children
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 10, 2022“There is more to my personality than a functioning nose and the belief that the good smells are better than the bad ones.”
THE BEET
Finals guide spring 2022
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 9, 2022So, you didn’t fill out your course evaluation survey — you’re safe here.
THE BEET
Pro-life politicians vote to bomb Middle Eastern orphanage
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 6, 2022When asked to explain his vote, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, it's "next to impossible to make a Middle Eastern child grow up to be an oil lobbyist for the United States."
THE BEET
Local white boy checks into rehab for addiction to AAVE
By Jeffrey Brown | May. 5, 2022The flaw can likely be at least partially attributed to being a Ye fan.
THE BEET
New state street bar music restrictions stir up controversy
By Will Franken | May. 4, 2022Some patrons are angered by the lack of Fox News and Morgan Wallen playing in the establishment.
THE BEET
Mrs. Butterworth’s announces line of new syrup options
By Jeffrey Brown | May. 3, 2022The new lineup includes collaborations with Jack Daniels and Chips Ahoy.
THE BEET
Police horse checked into rehab after working Mifflin
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 2, 2022The officer was intoxicated after accidentally drinking from puddles of poured out liquor.
THE BEET
Daily Cardinal daddy issues poll 2022
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 29, 2022“I don’t know of a single journalist that’s well adjusted.”
THE BEET
Actually news: The Almanac is now officially 'The Beet'
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 28, 2022The founders of The Onion, who are Cardinal alumni, are allowed to beat me up.
