The Beet

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Hey Morgan! I’m from a warm-weather state and the slush is dragging down my walk to class, do you have any advice?

A tasteful review of former UW-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow’s erotic escapades

Former University of Wisconsin-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow was recently fired by the Board of Regents for creating homemade pornographic videos with his wife, Carmen Wilson. In light of the recent events, the question remains: are the videos actually worth viewing?

Ask Morgan, holiday special edition: How to deal with oversized trees, your boyfriend’s mom

Sometimes the only way to get rid of something is by causing a “little accident.”

Metro passengers relieved public masturbator grower, not shower

Metro riders were left surprised as a local public masturbator turned out to be a grower, not a shower.

Campus demands hazing for 2023 freshmen honors class

Starting Oct. 10, UW-Madison policy for seniors, graduate students and professors will be to encourage taunting, booing and jeering at freshmen students walking over Bascom Hill to classes.

Hey Morgan! I’ve been seeing this guy for a while and he just asked to be exclusive. I really like him. The only problem is he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t really go to class that much. What should I do?

 Tell him to lay off the sigma male podcasts.

UW-Madison behind on internet bill as result of Republican budget cuts

Recent budget cuts have caused the University of Wisconsin-Madison to fall behind on its internet bill, according to Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin.

Hey Morgan! I got kicked out of school my freshman year but never told my parents. They’ve been sending me tuition money for the last five years and are asking when I’m going to graduate. What should I do?

Identity theft is easier than you think.

Hey Morgan! My parents are really bugging me to get a job next semester, but it seems like too much work with all the classes I’m taking. What do I do to get them off my back?

Find "experience" and make it sound important.

Civil rights activist Robin Vos continues fight to end racism

 How much time do you want for your progress? The time is now,” Vos said passionately. “I have a dream.” 

Hey, Morgan! I live with my boyfriend, but when we go home to his family, they won’t let us sleep in the same room. What should I do?

My answer is tunnels.

Hey, Morgan! My older sister is really annoying me. She’s obviously my parents' favorite and I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?

Eliminate the competition and your parents will have to make you the favorite.

Hey, Morgan! All my friends went abroad to London this semester, and I’m super lonely. What should I do?

What does London have? Big Ben? As someone with a clock in their pocket, I am not impressed.

Hey, Morgan! I’ve been talking to this guy for a while, but I don’t know if he really likes me. What should I do?

He’ll learn to love you when you start dating, but getting your foot in the door with psychological manipulation is the important step.

Daily Cardinal office in dire straits after losing communal napkin

The loss of the napkin — believed to be circa 1987 — is perhaps the biggest issue the 130-year-old newspaper has ever faced.

How to water a beet for world domination

The transition to a new editor may result in a bit of an awkward phase, but have no fear — as long as people still have thoughts and feelings, The Beet isn’t going anywhere.

‘Everything deserves a place in the marketplace of ideas,’ said self-described moderate food critic before eating entire bowl of cat piss, shit

“I want to clarify that I did not enjoy eating this bowl of cat feces, but I did eat it in its entirety because that is the respectful thing to do,” the critic concluded.

UW-Madison loses entire student body for upcoming semester after Course Search and Enroll crashes

The troublesome glitch could potentially be attributed to the fact that the app is run by literal  zoo animals.

Commenter posts take on current situation

"What you misunderstand is that I'm really stupid." 

Jon Eckhardt receives wellness check after not emailing entire campus for one goddamn day

Eckhardt, who is rumored to also be a professor, is known for hits such as “Important message from Professor Eckhardt,” “Important followup from Professor Eckhardt” and the highly touted “A quick followup from Professor Eckhardt.”