For as long as humans have had mouths and genitals they have been experimenting with what happens when those two incredible zones meet each other.
Trevor McIntyre, 33, of Fond du Lac, Wis., was pulled over and issued a DUI late Wednesday night after his vehicle was spotted swerving wildly on State Highway 41.
After class Wednesday, all Gavin Nearbrook wanted was a fluffy, toasty-warm baked potato before bed.
Leonardo DiCaprio woke up from a long and luscious slumber early this morning to his fake golden statue, still blissfully unaware that the award is the result of a very complex and well-planned inception. DiCaprio is known for hit movies such as “Titanic,” “The Revenant” and of course, “Inception.” Over the course of his acting career, DiCaprio has played many characters that have trouble discerning reality from fakeness.
After class Wednesday, all Gavin Nearbrook wanted was a fluffy, toasty-warm baked potato before bed.
Aye-aye at a glance PHYSICAL TRAITS: Disgusting, horrendous middle finger, some crazy eyes that have seen some crazy shit, Bernie Sanders hair, satellite-dish ears that pick up ESPN. CAREER GOALS: Eventually create a trend that actually sticks, stop failing at setting trends, get better at setting trends, improve his trend-setting abilities. PRIMARY FLAWS: Completely unaware of cultural norms, most people want to kill it with fire. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can throw back triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiatos like nobody’s business. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Madagascar, or wherever the next trend is emerging so he can try and fail to set it. Final Score: 11/10 FULL REVIEW: It has obviously been a lifelong goal of mine to drink a cup of my favorite drink, a triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiato, in every country.
Chad Trent, recent grad of Harvard University and current Wall Street banker, loaned out his soul at an adjustable subprime rate around 11 a.m.
Tragedy struck during the anomalous spring weather last weekend when a local honeybee, venturing from its hive to explore a Monroe Street sidewalk, was unceremoniously stepped on by a passing toddler. Mona Johnson, known as “Banana” to family and friends, reportedly crushed the unwitting honeybee with her size-three Minnie Mouse sneakers as she carelessly hopped along the sidewalk to avoid stepping on the cracks. Eyewitness reports say the honeybee, bumbling along the concrete and projecting a gentle aura of curious joy to passers-by through its mere presence, was covered with “fuzzy-wuzzy wittle hairs” and periodically buzzing its “cutesy-tootsy teeny wingsies” before being mercilessly wiped from existence by a force 10,000 times its weight. To date, the bee’s hive has made no motions to press charges.
Sophomore and amateur sports statistician Chad Zooti spends his days inhabiting a higher stratum of consciousness, sources say. Towering over his peers in all aspects of knowledge and intellect, Zooti has gained a following both on campus and in the Reddit channel “/r/baseball,” offering guidance on topics ranging from the illusory nature of reality, to how to beat the system, to how to get hot chicks. “His dad owns a dealership,” claims longtime friend, Ty Smiff.
New York-based publishing giant Briggs and Briggs announced Wednesday their much-anticipated ninth edition of “Textbooks: A Modus Operandi,” the authoritative textbook on the art of crafting and marketing textbooks. Written by renowned economics scholar Max Abeuse, “A Modus Operandi” has become a perennial success and new-age classic with eight rereleases since its 2010 debut.
The Madison Police Department and American Chemistry Society released a statement early Saturday morning highlighting a correlation between the recent doubling of urination citations and the increase in chemistry enrollment, ultimately attributing sexually frustrated couples as the main culprits. The world renowned expert of sex, Aleigha “pound-town” Haut, sat down with two Cardinal reporters to discuss why the increasing trend is actually a positive thing. Known for her new book “51 Shades of Get It On,” Haut has counseled countless couples to be the best they can be for their partner.
Whether Sunday was a day of wining and dining with a valentine, or if it had more of an alone-and-fine-with-it (or pretending to be fine with it) vibe, one thing unites us all on the day of love: searching for porn on the Internet.
Following Cam Newton’s abrupt exit from a Super Bowl press conference, ESPN anchor Kevin Mendelson, who watches sports for a living, described the Panthers QB’s actions as “childish,” according to multiple sources. Newton left the press conference without an explanation.
Texas senator and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz emerged victorious after family game night in the Cruz home Wednesday.
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