The Beet

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Beloved imaginary friend abandons local child for hipper, funner peers

Six-year-old Kenny Steidewaldt spent morning recess Wednesday completely alone, milling aimlessly around the playground kicking small rocks after his imaginary pal, Reggie—an invisible, intangible talking dinosaur—abandoned him to fraternize with the cool kids. The 60-minute period of mind-numbing loneliness is a stark contrast to Kenny’s usual routine of industrious hole-digging with his until-now loyal imaginary buddy. Reports say Reggie spent the period leaning against the brick wall with class favorites and all-around cool kids Jay and Derek, comparing their respective Easter candy hauls. Word on the playground has it Reggie is invited to Derek’s seventh birthday party.

Almanac Business Help: Tune up your Résumé with guidance from our template

Mr. Alfred Manac 2142 Vilas Hall, 821 University Avenue, Madison, WI almanac@dailycardinal.com | (608) 262-8000 Education University of Wisconsin- Madison Bachelor of Masters of Doctors of Science, best by: May 2018 Major: Geometry (Post-Euclidian) Certificates for: Participation, Orange Peeling Semi-Cumulative Self-Reported GPA: 4.0; Jimmy Dean’s List (3 Semesters Primary Qualifications ·       Standing vertical jump of 18 inches (45.72 centimeters) ·       Able to whistle every melody from Neil Diamond’s 1969 hit album Touching You, Touching Me ·       Over 10,000 neural pathways ·       Personable and outgoing ·       Lifelong connoisseur of fine Egyptian linens and canned beer Criminal Exploits ·       Murder Convictions: 0 (.5) ·       Most Recent Felonies: Loitering, littering, laddering, liberding ·       No shoplifting convictions ·       Except for that one time ·       Please don’t tell Family History ·       Grandmother was a strong German woman with a penchant for drinking and the strongest forearms east of Berlin ·       Grandfather was a sailing man ·       Descendent of Adam and/or Eve ·       Family tree is a Lodgepole Pine, family shrub is Witch Hazel ·    Spent childhood roaming the plains of the Blackfoot River in Montana, where I learned to fly fish and frolicked with all of God’s creatures.

Between the Sheets: Oral fun for everyone, a beginners guide to going down

For as long as humans have had mouths and genitals they have been experimenting with what happens when those two incredible zones meet each other.

Man with bottle opener attached to car keys had no intention of driving drunk

Trevor McIntyre, 33, of Fond du Lac, Wis., was pulled over and issued a DUI late Wednesday night after his vehicle was spotted swerving wildly on State Highway 41.

Area man leaves fork in microwave, discovers solution to global energy crisis

After class Wednesday, all Gavin Nearbrook wanted was a fluffy, toasty-warm baked potato before bed.

Leonardo DiCaprio still unaware that Oscar win result of elaborate inception

Leonardo DiCaprio woke up from a long and luscious slumber early this morning to his fake golden statue, still blissfully unaware that the award is the result of a very complex and well-planned inception. DiCaprio is known for hit movies such as “Titanic,” “The Revenant” and of course, “Inception.” Over the course of his acting career, DiCaprio has played many characters that have trouble discerning reality from fakeness.

Area man leaves fork in microwave, discovers solution to global energy crisis

After class Wednesday, all Gavin Nearbrook wanted was a fluffy, toasty-warm baked potato before bed.

Poemetry, Vol. 1

Highkus

Almanac Animal Review: Aye-aye

Aye-aye at a glance PHYSICAL TRAITS: Disgusting, horrendous middle finger, some crazy eyes that have seen some crazy shit, Bernie Sanders hair, satellite-dish ears that pick up ESPN. CAREER GOALS: Eventually create a trend that actually sticks, stop failing at setting trends, get better at setting trends, improve his trend-setting abilities.  PRIMARY FLAWS: Completely unaware of cultural norms, most people want to kill it with fire.  SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can throw back triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiatos like nobody’s business. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Madagascar, or wherever the next trend is emerging so he can try and fail to set it. Final Score: 11/10 FULL REVIEW:  It has obviously been a lifelong goal of mine to drink a cup of my favorite drink, a triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiato, in every country.

Wall Street banker deems soul useless, loans it out for huge profit

Chad Trent, recent grad of Harvard University and current Wall Street banker, loaned out his soul at an adjustable subprime rate around 11 a.m.

The gosh-darn cutest honeybee ever tragically killed by careless toddler

Tragedy struck during the anomalous spring weather last weekend when a local honeybee, venturing from its hive to explore a Monroe Street sidewalk, was unceremoniously stepped on by a passing toddler. Mona Johnson, known as “Banana” to family and friends, reportedly crushed the unwitting honeybee with her size-three Minnie Mouse sneakers as she carelessly hopped along the sidewalk to avoid stepping on the cracks. Eyewitness reports say the honeybee, bumbling along the concrete and projecting a gentle aura of curious joy to passers-by through its mere presence, was covered with “fuzzy-wuzzy wittle hairs” and periodically buzzing its “cutesy-tootsy teeny wingsies” before being mercilessly wiped from existence by a force 10,000 times its weight. To date, the bee’s hive has made no motions to press charges.

Local student exists on higher level than peers

Sophomore and amateur sports statistician Chad Zooti spends his days inhabiting a higher stratum of consciousness, sources say.   Towering over his peers in all aspects of knowledge and intellect, Zooti has gained a following both on campus and in the Reddit channel “/r/baseball,” offering guidance on topics ranging from the illusory nature of reality, to how to beat the system, to how to get hot chicks. “His dad owns a dealership,” claims longtime friend, Ty Smiff.

Between the Sheets: Swiper, keep swiping! An intro to dating apps

Marco Rubio deports own parents, proves he’s tough on immigration

Publisher set to release textbook’s highly anticipated ninth edition

New York-based publishing giant Briggs and Briggs announced Wednesday their much-anticipated ninth edition of “Textbooks: A Modus Operandi,” the authoritative textbook on the art of crafting and marketing textbooks. Written by renowned economics scholar Max Abeuse, “A Modus Operandi” has become a perennial success and new-age classic with eight rereleases since its 2010 debut.

Renowned sexpert suggests public urination, chemistry lessons as top ways to combat sexual frustration

The Madison Police Department and American Chemistry Society released a statement early Saturday morning highlighting a correlation between the recent doubling of urination citations and the increase in chemistry enrollment, ultimately  attributing sexually frustrated couples as the main culprits. The world renowned expert of sex, Aleigha “pound-town” Haut, sat down with two Cardinal reporters to discuss why the increasing trend is actually a positive thing.  Known for her new book “51 Shades of Get It On,” Haut has counseled countless couples to be the best they can be for their partner.

Top Speculations about Jesus’ Middle Name

Almanac Animal Review: Proboscis Monkey

GOP candidates dodge questions about injuries sustained in post-debate scuffle

Between the Sheets: Feminist porn and where to find it, a beginners guide

Whether Sunday was a day of wining and dining with a valentine, or if it had more of an alone-and-fine-with-it (or pretending to be fine with it) vibe, one thing unites us all on the day of love: searching for porn on the Internet.