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Tuesday, December 05, 2023

The Beet

THE BEET

Pepe the Frog resigns due to potential Nazi affiliations

In a groundbreaking development in a growing scandal, Pepe the Frog resigned from his position as High Lord of the internet as surmounting evidence tied him to the Nazi Party. Throughout 2016, images of Pepe, known publicly for his laid back “feels good” attitude, began surfacing of him in the likeness of Adolf Hitler.


THE BEET

Pointless startup aims to solve nonexistent, first-world problem

The IntelliTech convention in Palo Alto, Calif., was alive with wonder. Startups from Silicon Valley, Seattle, Portland, Los Angeles and beyond had congregated for days to network, trade ideas and pitch their groundbreaking innovations. Stars of the show included MediScan, which can detect cancer growth through a smartphone-based imaging application, and Devia, a motion-tracking app which alerts caretakers of mentally ill individuals to adverse behaviors like pacing or wandering away.


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Adorable freshman requests one marijuana from his first dealer

Mathew Grimes, a delightful little freshman, ordered a single marijuana from a dealer last Friday night in an attempt to really take his dorm party to the next level. The recent high school grad felt that although his party was “already lit,” he really wanted to “get some green.” Cardinal reporters on the scene followed the freshman and his posse of nervous friends to Mathew’s cousin’s friend’s brother Justin’s apartment. The deal took place on the third floor of 420 W.


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Between the Sheets: Part-two of a beginner’s guide to kinky communication!

Last week I broke down some kinky key terms and how kink works. This week I’m laying out how kinky communication can be (and should be) applied to any kind of sex.  To fully understand the term “kink” I recommend giving last week’s article a read, but for a quick review, kink refers to “an exchange of power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual, or, most often, some combination,” kink includes “BDSM, sadomasochism, kinky sex, dominance and submission, role play, sex games, fantasy, fetish, and other alternative erotic expressions,” (definition borrowed from “The Ultimate Guide to Kink, BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge” by Tristan Taormino.)  Vanilla is a term often used by kinky folks to describe sex that isn’t kinky.


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The Five Marks of a Good President

Well folks, election season is almost upon us. This year we have two awesome contenders for the elusive Oval Office: Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Donald “Kingslayer” Trump, who earned his nickname for his striking resemblance to “Game of Thrones” character Jamie “Kingslayer” Lannister. If you are one of the many people who think either candidate would be awful, federalism does a decent job of stunting executive power, so fret not.


Clinton smiles in celebration of her win against Trump for sexiest candidate.
THE BEET

Hillary Clinton voted America’s sexiest candidate

A poll of UW students has shown Hillary Clinton is considered the sexiest presidential candidate, followed closely by Gary Johnson, with Donald Trump and Jill Stein tied for third place.  This poll comes on the heels of Monday night’s presidential debate, where Donald Trump presented carefully thought-out policy decisions while Ms. Clinton presented a shiny pantsuit. “She’s lit af,” claims sophomore Abby Schmaltz, “Next Saturday.


THE BEET

Wisconsin fan intercepts Michigan State QB Tyler O’Connor from the stands

Late in the third quarter of Saturday’s Badgers triumph at Michigan State, one Badgers fan made a crucial play that would seal the Badgers commanding lead for good. With four minutes left to play in the quarter, on a 3rd-down and 14, Michigan State QB Tyler O’Connor dropped back to pass when he saw Badgers LB Jack Cichy coming around the left end of the offensive line.


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Naive freshman answers call from parents while at party

Stumbling through a room full of girls he had failed to get the numbers of, Matt Blaker, a UW-Madison freshman, had one task on his mind: successfully convincing his parents that he was anything but partying. Correspondents on the scene of a Mifflin Street house party last Friday night reportedly overheard bits and pieces of a disgruntled phone call he was engaged in at 1:45 in the morning. “I don’t think he realized that anyone talking to him over the phone would have heard Kanye West playing in the background,” said a field reporter. “It was a mess,” another correspondent stated.


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THE BEET

Upcoming iPhone 7s rumored to do away with battery completely

Following the iPhone 7’s Sept. 7 release, rumors have already surfaced that the iPhone 7s will lack a battery or any form of electronic capability. The rumors were born after Apple CEO Tim Cook was interviewed by The Daily Cardinal reporters and asked about the new specs coming in six months.



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