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Moraine
By Matthew Stokdyk | Jan. 23, 2017there is a witch in the kettles, whose house is in a subtle glen. she brews in a lakebed cauldron and picks her teeth with arrowheads.
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TindIRL app available just in time for Valentine’s Day
By Ayomide Awosika | Jan. 23, 2017Do you have a hard time matching with people on Tinder? Has your mother told you she’s worried she’ll never have grandchildren?
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The Almanac presents: Talking topics for your next dreamy date
Jan. 17, 2017We all know the shiny (and often misplaced) key to a successful date is thoughtful conversation. But in times like these, locating that key amid the patchwork of memes, passwords, fanatical behaviors and psychological scarring that fills our minds can be difficult.
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‘Monopoly: Real Estate Con Artist’ hitting shelves soon
By Patrick Hoeppner | Jan. 17, 2017The objective of the new Parker Brothers game, which retails for $49.99, is personal gain. Each player begins in a separate city, and from there they embark on risky—and opulently expensive—construction projects.
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Michelle Obama reveals husband is no lame duck in bed
By Marc Tost | Dec. 8, 2016When Americans voted for the next president in November, President Barack Obama entered the so-called “lame-duck period.” During this time, it is typically considered poor form for the president to pass legislation, especially if his replacement is from the other party. At a recent press conference, however, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that her husband is no lame duck in their White House bedroom.
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Pale ale declared official beer of white supremacists
By Liam Hutchison | Dec. 8, 2016Citing its crisp, hoppy flavor and innately superior coloration, American white nationalists, commonly known as the “alt-right” (and most accurately known as neo-Nazis) declared Tuesday that American pale ale is the official beverage of choice for those wishing to undermine establishment politics and reinstate a dominative American master race. Richard Spencer, a prominent white nationalist and long-time pale ale drinker, spoke to The Daily Cardinal following the announcement.
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Report: Mother Earth just getting hotter with age
By Noah Mack | Dec. 8, 2016In a recent report by the center for climate change, Mother Earth is one smoking hot planet who just gets even hotter every decade. The all-knowing mysterious woman follows a strict tanning regimen at all times, bathing in the sun’s rays and rubbing a unique combination of Dove’s new “CO2 unleashed” tanning lotion as well as L’Oréal’s Ozone explosion moisturizer.
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Between the Sheets - sex and the student body: Strip those layers: Badgers talk nudes
By Anna Welch | Dec. 5, 2016As we crawl toward the end of the semester, the snow is starting to fall and the degrees are dropping; it’s enough to make you want to bundle up in layers of flannel and fleece, turn your bedroom into a blanket cave and never leave. But, sometimes it’s worth it to strip off the layers, adjust the lighting and send the holiday gift that keeps on giving ... Nudes! I reached out to my fellow Badgers to find out about their experiences with taking pictures that are sure to get them on the naughty list. 1.
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Florida to become 42-million-acre golf course under Trump
By Patrick Hoeppner | Dec. 1, 2016American golf enthusiasts rejoiced Friday after Donald Trump’s transition team announced an agenda to rebuild the state of Florida.
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Heroic Wisconsinite kills animal with firearm
By Dylan Anderson | Dec. 1, 2016In commendable and exciting fashion, Wisconsinite Ryan Burrows, 24, took the life of a wild deer using a high-powered rifle Tuesday. Burrows’ masculinity was on full display as he managed to discharge a 30-caliber round into the chest of the deer from about 40 feet away, knocking the animal over prior to its death seconds after. “Look at this big boy,” Burrows said, describing his victim triumphantly to Cardinal reporters.
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Mayonnaise and vitamin diet offers delicious relief to cost-conscious consumers
Dec. 1, 2016How much did you spend on food last week? How many hours were spent preparing it? Did it even taste good?
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almanac animal review: fire ant
By Noah Mack | Nov. 28, 2016FIRE ANT AT A GLANCE: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Super horny, very small (like really really small), has two seemingly pointless limbs on its face. CAREER GOALS: Eventually bang the queen, in the future bump uglies with the queen, reproduce with the queen, spread his genes through the queen. PRIMARY FLAWS: Only cares about work and hooking up wth the queen, can potentially be squashed by almost any human being. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super romantic, able to lift something 20 times his body weight, has two limbs on his head which are seemingly useless but are actually very important. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Almost everywhere, in a mound of dirt, wherever he is able to reproduce. FULL REVIEW: Back in my clubbing days I used to be a wingman for this incredible insect called a fire ant.
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Top 9 mascots worse than the Boilermakers
By Noah Mack and Marc Tost | Nov. 28, 20161. The Eggs 2.
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Family unsure what uncle doing in other room with rest of turkey
By Dylan Anderson | Nov. 24, 2016Franklin, Wis -- Attendees of the Weber family Thanksgiving expressed general confusion with regards to what Uncle Russ was doing in the other room with the turkey leftovers after dinner. Between the conclusion of the main course and the desert period of the evening program, Russell, 47, took the remains of the five pound turkey into the room adjacent to the dining area and has not emerged since, according to sources.
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A Guide to Being an Armchair Activist
By Mara Benowitz | Nov. 21, 20161. Mark yourself as ‘Interested’ in local protests Don’t feel obligated to actually show up to the rallies.
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Almanac Presents: Misheard Movie Quotes
By Noah Mack and Marc Tost | Nov. 21, 20161. “Why so Syrian?” -Trump advisor 2.
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Senator Hillary Clinton sets eyes on 2016 presidential election bid
By Liam Hutchison | Nov. 9, 2016WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks. After decades of moving, grooving, schmoozing, bruising and bamboozling her way up the political ladder, America’s slightly beloved Secretary of State is finally poised to make her move. “This is it.
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Romney defeats Obama in swing state buzzer-beater
By Patrick Hoeppner | Nov. 9, 2016WASHINGTON—Election officials are calling this year’s election a “heart-stopper” after Mitt Romney’s GOP team clinched a regulation victory over Barack Obama and the Democratic Party. The victory came swiftly on the coattails of Romney’s pick-and-roll drive to Florida and Obama’s defensive maneuver north to New Hampshire.
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Innocent Democrats wonder what could possibly be worse than Mitt Romney
By Chris Carlock | Nov. 9, 2016In the wake of a presidential election that has sharply divided the country, many exhausted Democrats have been left to wonder if the GOP could ever again produce an opponent as horrifying as Mitt Romney. “It’s been a really tough first election,” said UW-Madison student and self-identified Democrat Greg Everett.
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Two Brothers
By Mike Kowalski | Nov. 7, 2016Two boys called upon to serve their land, Both believed to have God’s graceful hand. With causes both just in their own minds, Who will be blamed in history’s time? Two boys called upon to ’fend the line With different banners, proud to shine. They call upon the other’s demise But who will be right when the fervor dies? Two boys called upon to bid family farewell And to uphold honor; do your duty they tell. But with destruction wrought on both sides, Mothers’ tears soon fall by hollow shrines. And when we ask who was without flaws, Who truly had the rightful cause? The boy on my side, without hesitation we say, Because he fought for me, I mean no dismay.
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