The Beet

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A Guide to Being an Armchair Activist

1. Mark yourself as ‘Interested’ in local protests Don’t feel obligated to actually show up to the rallies.

Almanac Presents: Misheard Movie Quotes

1. “Why so Syrian?” -Trump advisor 2.

Senator Hillary Clinton sets eyes on 2016 presidential election bid

WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks. After decades of moving, grooving, schmoozing, bruising and bamboozling her way up the political ladder, America’s slightly beloved Secretary of State is finally poised to make her move. “This is it.

Romney defeats Obama in swing state buzzer-beater

WASHINGTON—Election officials are calling this year’s election a “heart-stopper” after Mitt Romney’s GOP team clinched a regulation victory over Barack Obama and the Democratic Party. The victory came swiftly on the coattails of Romney’s pick-and-roll drive to Florida and Obama’s defensive maneuver north to New Hampshire.

Innocent Democrats wonder what could possibly be worse than Mitt Romney

In the wake of a presidential election that has sharply divided the country, many exhausted Democrats have been left to wonder if the GOP could ever again produce an opponent as horrifying as Mitt Romney. “It’s been a really tough first election,” said UW-Madison student and self-identified Democrat Greg Everett.

Two Brothers

Two boys called upon to serve their land, Both believed to have God’s graceful hand. With causes both just in their own minds, Who will be blamed in history’s time? Two boys called upon to ’fend the line With different banners, proud to shine. They call upon the other’s demise But who will be right when the fervor dies? Two boys called upon to bid family farewell And to uphold honor; do your duty they tell. But with destruction wrought on both sides, Mothers’ tears soon fall by hollow shrines. And when we ask who was without flaws, Who truly had the rightful cause? The boy on my side, without hesitation we say, Because he fought for me, I mean no dismay.

How to be an oreo

First, try to scrub your skin of the darkness, the tar, that seems to have soaked itself into your pores.

Lost Knowledge

The stars make me sad, you see Every little pinprick, every speck of light Is somewhere I will never be I yearn to travel and explore Go past anyone before Search the emptiness, and find new truth And make it mine, forever to adore And be my thing insignificant I will never mind Because from it, I become significant But so does the sky taunt me Lost knowledge, I will never reach There is so much I will never see

UW-Madison administration rides out apocalyptic Halloween weekend in fortified Mosse Humanities Building

UW-Madison staff and authorities took shelter in the Mosse Humanities Building over Halloween weekend as hordes of drunken students swarmed the capitol, an official UW-Madison press release stated. After the federal government declined the university’s request for National Guard assistance, UW-Madison administration fled Bascom Hall for safety within the thick concrete walls of the Humanities Building.  “They were stacking sandbags near the doors,” said UW-Madison student Rickey Hobbs.

Walker plans to amp up racism, sexism to fill hole left by Trump in preparation for presidential run in 2020

Sources within Gov. Scott Walker’s campaign have confirmed early reports that Walker’s campaign strategy will undergo a major theme overhaul in anticipation of another presidential campaign in 2020. Though the election is quite a ways away, Walker and his team are already rebranding his image to more closely appeal to the base of out-of-touch, chauvinist and uneducated Americans he desperately needs to win the Republican primary. Specific details from Walker’s camp include reports that he has already settled on a new campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again, More.” The assumption here, one source said, is that the same Americans who supported Republican nominee Donald Trump will be even more supportive of Walker, because Walker wants to make America “even more better-er than Trump does.”  Other themes Walker plans on emphasizing are his new-and-improved racism, which will include repeating false and misleading statistics on crime committed by illegal immigrants and generalizing entire religions as terrorists. Walker will also heavily focus on his new initiative of building a massive border wall that is similar, but not quite the same, as Trump’s.

Between the sheets: For the love of lube: some sexy, slippery tips

This week I’m giving due credit to the unsung hero of sex--lube!  The concept of lube is pretty simple—put it on something you want to slide in and out of something else, and have at it.  But, there are a few caveats that are helpful to know before diving into the wonderful world of lube.  This slippery stuff has oodles of benefits that can make sex safer, easier and hella pleasurable. Unfortunately, many people believe lube is only for old ladies or people who aren’t “wet enough” on their own.

Peers are appalled to find out that area man does not remember the Alamo

Freshman student Jake Varpa does not, in fact, remember the Alamo. The story surfaced in Varpa’s American history class last week, as the professor dramatically entered the classroom in full frontier garb, wielding a musket and shouting “Remember the Alamo!” The tragedy of the massacre is still fresh in the hearts and minds of all good Americans, so it was not surprising when the class became incensed, adding to his chant and even breaking out a Texan flag.

Lil Wayne finally matures into teenage-sized ‘Medium Wayne’

Rapper Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., best known for his stage name “Lil Wayne,” went through a miraculous transformation into a perfectly normal and healthy sized teen Monday night.  “Medium Wayne is really just the new me now” said Carter to a sea of reporters.

Catholic church: It’s now cheaper to buy your way into heaven

While the economy continues to recover from the Great Recession of 2008, there is one group of institutions that is having a harder time recovering than others: churches.

Almanac animal review: Gerenuk

I was at the Ohio State football game last week and this asshole of an animal, the Gerenuk, was just blatantly blocking my view.

MLA unveils trendy “Times Old Roman” font to get back in touch with millenials

The Modern Language Association announced their hip “Times Old Roman” font to appeal to a younger audience, a change which outraged professors and old stubborn writers everywhere. The changes to the both beloved and hated “Times New Roman” font include a revamped look and a complete abolition of the English language in place of ancient roman script. Kwame Anthony Appiah, president of MLA, felt his consumer base was stuck under the tyranny of his older font “Times New Roman” for far too long.

City of Cleveland Agrees to Trade Browns for a Vending Machine

After the the Browns lost to the Tennessee Titans earlier in the week and dropped to an NFL worst record of 0-6, Mayor Frank G.

Wisconsin Rowing Team to Host 4,000 Boat Re-Enactment of Epic Ancient Naval Battle

The UW rowing team annonced they would re-enact The Battle of Salamis, an epic ancient naval battle. The Battle of Salamis was a naval engagement in 480 B.C.

Thinking about voting? Don’t bother!

Pepe the Frog resigns due to potential Nazi affiliations

In a groundbreaking development in a growing scandal, Pepe the Frog resigned from his position as High Lord of the internet as surmounting evidence tied him to the Nazi Party. Throughout 2016, images of Pepe, known publicly for his laid back “feels good” attitude, began surfacing of him in the likeness of Adolf Hitler.