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Saturday, April 20, 2024

The Beet

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THE BEET

Michelle Obama reveals husband is no lame duck in bed

When Americans voted for the next president in November, President Barack Obama entered the so-called “lame-duck period.” During this time, it is typically considered poor form for the president to pass legislation, especially if his replacement is from the other party. At a recent press conference, however, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that her husband is no lame duck in their White House bedroom.


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Pale ale declared official beer of white supremacists

Citing its crisp, hoppy flavor and innately superior coloration, American white nationalists, commonly known as the “alt-right” (and most accurately known as neo-Nazis) declared Tuesday that American pale ale is the official beverage of choice for those wishing to undermine establishment politics and reinstate a dominative American master race.     Richard Spencer, a prominent white nationalist and long-time pale ale drinker, spoke to The Daily Cardinal following the announcement.


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Report: Mother Earth just getting hotter with age

In a recent report by the center for climate change, Mother Earth is one smoking hot planet who just gets even hotter every decade. The all-knowing mysterious woman follows a strict tanning regimen at all times, bathing in the sun’s rays and rubbing a unique combination of Dove’s new “CO2 unleashed” tanning lotion as well as L’Oréal’s Ozone explosion moisturizer.


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Between the Sheets - sex and the student body: Strip those layers: Badgers talk nudes

As we crawl toward the end of the semester, the snow is starting to fall and the degrees are dropping; it’s enough to make you want to bundle up in layers of flannel and fleece, turn your bedroom into a blanket cave and never leave.  But, sometimes it’s worth it to strip off the layers, adjust the lighting and send the holiday gift that keeps on giving ... Nudes!  I reached out to my fellow Badgers to find out about their experiences with taking pictures that are sure to get them on the naughty list.  1.


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Heroic Wisconsinite kills animal with firearm

In commendable and exciting fashion, Wisconsinite Ryan Burrows, 24, took the life of a wild deer using a high-powered rifle Tuesday. Burrows’ masculinity was on full display as he managed to discharge a 30-caliber round into the chest of the deer from about 40 feet away, knocking the animal over prior to its death seconds after. “Look at this big boy,” Burrows said, describing his victim triumphantly to Cardinal reporters.


Solenopsis invicta - fire ant worker
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almanac animal review: fire ant

FIRE ANT AT A GLANCE: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Super horny, very small (like really really small), has two seemingly pointless limbs on its face. CAREER GOALS: Eventually bang the queen, in the future bump uglies with the queen, reproduce with the queen, spread his genes through the queen. PRIMARY FLAWS: Only cares about work and hooking up wth the queen, can potentially be squashed by almost any human being. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super romantic, able to lift something 20 times his body weight, has two limbs on his head which are seemingly useless but are actually very important. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Almost everywhere, in a mound of dirt, wherever he is able to reproduce. FULL REVIEW:  Back in my clubbing days I used to be a wingman for this incredible insect called a fire ant.


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Family unsure what uncle doing in other room with rest of turkey

Franklin, Wis -- Attendees of the Weber family Thanksgiving expressed general confusion with regards to what Uncle Russ was doing in the other room with the turkey leftovers after dinner. Between the conclusion of the main course and the desert period of the evening program, Russell, 47, took the remains of the five pound turkey into the room adjacent to the dining area and has not emerged since, according to sources.


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Senator Hillary Clinton sets eyes on 2016 presidential election bid

WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks. After decades of moving, grooving, schmoozing, bruising and bamboozling her way up the political ladder, America’s slightly beloved Secretary of State is finally poised to make her move. “This is it.


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Romney defeats Obama in swing state buzzer-beater

WASHINGTON—Election officials are calling this year’s election a “heart-stopper” after Mitt Romney’s GOP team clinched a regulation victory over Barack Obama and the Democratic Party. The victory came swiftly on the coattails of Romney’s pick-and-roll drive to Florida and Obama’s defensive maneuver north to New Hampshire.


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THE BEET

Two Brothers

Two boys called upon to serve their land, Both believed to have God’s graceful hand. With causes both just in their own minds, Who will be blamed in history’s time? Two boys called upon to ’fend the line With different banners, proud to shine. They call upon the other’s demise But who will be right when the fervor dies? Two boys called upon to bid family farewell And to uphold honor; do your duty they tell. But with destruction wrought on both sides, Mothers’ tears soon fall by hollow shrines. And when we ask who was without flaws, Who truly had the rightful cause? The boy on my side, without hesitation we say, Because he fought for me, I mean no dismay.



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