The Beet - The Daily Cardinal

DJ Khaled alledgely swallowed 24 cases of Mentos throughout October.

THE BEET

DJ Khaled concert awesome: this article sponsored by Mentos Gum™

By Jared Holloway | Nov. 2, 2017

Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert. Thanks to Mentos Gum™, students were able to stand in a dark crowded room and watch DJ Khaled play his Spotify on shuffle and ask the audience for applause.

THE BEET

Herculaneum: Part 2

Oct. 30, 2017

This the second installment of a pulse-pounding science fiction series. Will the police officers of Herculaneum reach the evacuation craft on time, or will the ash cloud from the erupting Olympus Mons finish them first? “It’s a quake,” the officer said.

Two of the three supply boats exclusively carrying Crystal Light.

THE BEET

In latest effort to help Puerto Rico, Trump mistakenly sends relief supplies to Hawaii

By Savannah McHugh | Oct. 30, 2017

In his latest effort to provide disaster relief aid to the citizens of Puerto Rico, President Trump approved the details of a plan that would send three ships’ worth of supplies overseas, mainly including strawberry lemonade water flavoring packets and home-baked cookies from the White House kitchen.

THE BEET

Wisconsin government soon to pass abstinence-only legislature

By Ayomide Awosika | Oct. 26, 2017

Late Tuesday afternoon, The Daily Cardinal got wind of a new bill being proposed by Wisconsin state lawmakers that aims to implement abstinence-only education in publicly funded schools, ranging from elementary schools to the university level.

BASKETBALL

Gordon Hayward euthanized by Celtics management after breaking leg in season opener

By Patrick Hoeppner | Oct. 26, 2017

Fans of the Boston Celtics mourned Wednesday morning after the Boston Celtics management announced that their star forward, Gordon Hayward, had been put down by team doctors after breaking his leg.

THE BEET

Steve Jobs Envisioned Free Internet Porn, Advocated Porn Accessibility

By Jared Holloway | Oct. 26, 2017

Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple and legendary tech visionary, is now believed to have influenced yet another essential facet of modern life.

LIFE & STYLE

When in doubt, lube it out — the beginner’s guide to sex with lube

By Anna Welch , Sydney Thomas and Ayden Prehara | Oct. 23, 2017

This week, Indecent Exposure is giving lube the attention it deserves but often doesn’t get.

FOOTBALL

Washington Redskins announce changing team mascot to potato

By Patrick Hoeppner and Ayomide Awosika | Oct. 19, 2017

At a press conference preceding their next game, the Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, announced that the team will be changing their mascot to a humanoid potato before the current NFL season concludes.

THE BEET

Study shows that students purchase MacBooks to stealthily text in class

By Savannah McHugh | Oct. 19, 2017

Apple has developed an information network, known as iCloud, over which Macbooks and iPhones can be paired to share information.

THE BEET

Supervolcano is sick of everyone’s crap, threatens to erupt

By Samantha Munro Jones | Oct. 19, 2017

Millions of people nationwide panicked last week when word spread that the vast Yellowstone Caldera, or underground super volcano, has a magma reservoir that is nearly two and a half times larger than previously thought by scientists.

THE BEET

Student disappointed when not imbued with infinite wisdom after all-nighter

By Savannah McHugh | Oct. 16, 2017

With midterm season looming over UW-Madison’s campus this month, students of all disciplines are seeking to pass their midterms as professors hand them out across campus.

THE BEET

Herculaneum

By Patrick Hoeppner | Oct. 16, 2017

This the first installment of a new science fiction series. “Herculaneum” follows the story of Mindy Perot as she oversees the evacuation of a Mars colony in the midst ofa devastating volcanic eruption.

THE BEET

FDA and drug lords issue a massive heroin recall

By Jared Holloway | Oct. 16, 2017

In light of a recent bad crop that went to market, the FDA and major drug cartels are recalling all heroin sold in the US within the past two weeks to ensure the continuing safety of consumers.

THE BEET

Pepsi to be official UW Athletics beverage as part of diversity initiative

By Ayomide Awosika | Oct. 12, 2017

In recent news, Pepsi is poised to replace Snapple as the official UW-Athletics beverage, beginning in July 2018.

THE BEET

Madison’s University Ave. most puked upon street in America for seventh straight year

By Dylan Anderson | Oct. 12, 2017

MADISON, WI — Extending on its already record streak, University Avenue in downtown was recognized as the most puked upon street in the US by the Princeton Review for the seventh year in a row. “It’s not the best award we could have won, but it isn’t the worst either,” Madison Mayor Paul Soglin said.

THE BEET

Pumpkin Spice shortage leads to riots and rampant malnutrition

By Savannah McHugh | Oct. 12, 2017

A recent shortage of Pumpkin Spice Sauce has left many Starbucks followers with no last resort.

LIFE & STYLE

How to give yourself and your partner an O-face in October

By Anna Welch , Sydney Thomas and Ayden Prehara | Oct. 9, 2017

Anna There are a ton of ways to talk about pleasure and orgasm, but let’s focus on the three main situations these conversations happen in and how to navigate those. First: Brunch talk.

THE BEET

Adderall dealers pay professors for best midterm scheduling

By Ayomide Awosika | Oct. 5, 2017

Within the past week news has surfaced exposing the prolonged relationship between local drug dealers and an astounding number of UW-Madison professors.

THE BEET

Study: Majority of college graduates either unemployed, underemployed, or are engaged in piracy on the high seas

By Jared Holloway | Oct. 5, 2017

Following the release of a new study conducted by the Census Bureau, leaders in the field of education have concluded that roughly thirty to forty percent of recent college graduates have failed to find employment in their field.

THE BEET

Moments of silence are very effective environmental action, legislators say

By Patrick Hoeppner | Oct. 5, 2017

The recent moment of silence in the House chamber reinforced the common practice that the best path toward effective action as constituent-appointed legislators is not talking about the issues that provoked them.