Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, April 01, 2026

The Beet

Odysseus pictured rolling his eyes while speaking of his home country.
THE BEET

Hero seeking return to home country faces 10 year delay, blames economy

By Savannah McHugh | Feb. 8, 2018

As a decorated war hero was set to return to his home country after many ongoing years of relentlessly brutal combat, only to realize that his return home would not be as simple as he had expected. “All twelve ships holding my crew got caught in a set of violent storms, then we got captured by a cyclops that blamed us for his daddy issues,” Greek hero Odysseus of Ithaca described his journey.

Twitter
THE BEET

How to use Twitter and not set off geopolitical havoc

By Patrick Hoeppner | Jan. 23, 2018

In light of the recent developments surrounding Twitter and the global events shifted and shaped around the dialogue through its medium, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey has taken to his own medium to justify his application’s relevance in today’s global ecosystem. “The Twitter team has assembled some guidelines to using Twitter,” Dorsey tweeted Saturday, followed by a comprehensive guide to the use of the service.

Each agent is required to wear rubber gloves during the procedure.
THE BEET

TSA asks that pregnant mothers please remove fetuses and place them in separate bin

By Dylan Anderson | Nov. 30, 2017

As air travel ramps up during the final months of 2017, the Transportation Security Administration are instituting a new policy requiring pregnant mothers to remove their fetuses and place them in separate bins at the security checkpoint. Mothers more than three months into term must take their developing children from their uterus and place them into a bin to be sent through the screening conveyor belt.

Joe Barton pictured singing “You’re Welcome” to Congress concerning the release of his nudes.
THE BEET

What I’m thankful for this year: Trump’s humble remarks, Joe Barton’s nudes and classic gluttony

By Samantha Munro Jones | Nov. 27, 2017

Since spending the holiday of togetherness by driving for hours to be in a food coma the entire weekend with your uncle yelling obscenities over a football game is the best way, Thanksgiving is always a blowout.  However, this year, the weekend festivities were filled with surprises.  Not only did TIME Magazine offer the President the Person of the Year Award for the second year in a row, but the humble leader declined the offer in hopes that someone less fortunate could get it.  “I see myself as a humanitarian.

Becky Blank’s newest proposal for a button to be put in place of the standard browser back button.
THE BEET

Back button for UW Student Center ‘never gonna happen’ according to Chancellor Rebecca Blank

By Noah Mack | Nov. 27, 2017

Chancellor and technological masochist Becky Blank announced that UW-Madison’s Student Center will not be getting the back button that’s so highly sought after by the student body. The announcement occurred following this year’s class registration, a gruelingly long process made radically worse by the website’s complete lack of features or any semblance of sense. “I tried to add Econ 101 to my schedule for next semester but accidently hit Ecology 101.

The disruptive student was escorted from the hall during the lecture.
THE BEET

Student disciplined for his unusually loud sneeze during conservative speaker’s lecture

By Adam Fearing | Nov. 20, 2017

Maintaining that he had absolutely no intention of disrupting discourse, junior Nicholas Mullen found himself reprimanded by the University of Wisconsin-Madison due to an allegedly voluntary sneeze that he had during the lecture of Dr. Gordon Biederman. Biederman, a professor at the University of Alberta, was invited to give a talk on “owning liberals” by campus conservative group Young Americans for Prosperity (YAP). Originally specializing in cartography, Biederman has found recent acclaim in conservative circles for his outspoken views on the silencing of free speech on campus by those unfriendly to conservative views. Mullen describes himself as a liberal, but says he went to Biederman’s talk to hear views from a different side of the spectrum other than his own.

Toilet paper
THE BEET

UW toilet paper almost as fragile as senior’s masculinity

By Dylan Anderson | Nov. 16, 2017

According to Sewell Social Sciences men’s room sources, the university-supplied toilet paper used to wipe the bum of senior Peter Olson is so fragile, it rivaled his masculinity complex in terms of frailty. The economics major, who refers to his friendships with men as bromances, accidentally pierced the bath tissue with two of his fingers post-shit during one of many passages necessitated by the inadequate paper. “That’s the closest anything has ever come to going up my ass,” Olson said.

Artery
THE BEET

Culver’s frequent flyer “never expected” colossal heart attack

By Savannah McHugh | Nov. 16, 2017

Local Culver’s loyalist Bobby McButtery was caught completely off-guard when his heart violently attacked him Monday evening. “I was just sitting down to my dinner of a Bacon Butterburger and deep-fried cheese curds when I noticed my arm started to hurt, and I suddenly had a general feeling of impending doom,” McButtery said from his hospital bed on Tuesday morning.

Daily Cardinal
THE BEET

Trump’s visit rekindles international flame in China

By Samantha Munro Jones | Nov. 13, 2017

Due to a past of neglecting every “Jane” that was supposed to be a “John” and allegations of Fido being the main course for lunch every Thursday, China has transitioned to being a country based solely off love, acceptance, and forgiveness.  The country’s new policy was enacted recently when the President of the United States, Donald Trump, left for his visit to this Asian country.

Popular
Print
Read our print edition on Issuu Read on Issuu
Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2026 The Daily Cardinal