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Sunday, April 28, 2024

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Joe Barton pictured singing “You’re Welcome” to Congress concerning the release of his nudes.
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What I’m thankful for this year: Trump’s humble remarks, Joe Barton’s nudes and classic gluttony

By Samantha Munro Jones | Nov. 27, 2017

Since spending the holiday of togetherness by driving for hours to be in a food coma the entire weekend with your uncle yelling obscenities over a football game is the best way, Thanksgiving is always a blowout.  However, this year, the weekend festivities were filled with surprises.  Not only did TIME Magazine offer the President the Person of the Year Award for the second year in a row, but the humble leader declined the offer in hopes that someone less fortunate could get it.  “I see myself as a humanitarian.

Becky Blank’s newest proposal for a button to be put in place of the standard browser back button.
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Back button for UW Student Center ‘never gonna happen’ according to Chancellor Rebecca Blank

By Noah Mack | Nov. 27, 2017

Chancellor and technological masochist Becky Blank announced that UW-Madison’s Student Center will not be getting the back button that’s so highly sought after by the student body. The announcement occurred following this year’s class registration, a gruelingly long process made radically worse by the website’s complete lack of features or any semblance of sense. “I tried to add Econ 101 to my schedule for next semester but accidently hit Ecology 101.

The disruptive student was escorted from the hall during the lecture.
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Student disciplined for his unusually loud sneeze during conservative speaker’s lecture

By Adam Fearing | Nov. 20, 2017

Maintaining that he had absolutely no intention of disrupting discourse, junior Nicholas Mullen found himself reprimanded by the University of Wisconsin-Madison due to an allegedly voluntary sneeze that he had during the lecture of Dr. Gordon Biederman. Biederman, a professor at the University of Alberta, was invited to give a talk on “owning liberals” by campus conservative group Young Americans for Prosperity (YAP). Originally specializing in cartography, Biederman has found recent acclaim in conservative circles for his outspoken views on the silencing of free speech on campus by those unfriendly to conservative views. Mullen describes himself as a liberal, but says he went to Biederman’s talk to hear views from a different side of the spectrum other than his own.

Toilet paper
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UW toilet paper almost as fragile as senior’s masculinity

By Dylan Anderson | Nov. 16, 2017

According to Sewell Social Sciences men’s room sources, the university-supplied toilet paper used to wipe the bum of senior Peter Olson is so fragile, it rivaled his masculinity complex in terms of frailty. The economics major, who refers to his friendships with men as bromances, accidentally pierced the bath tissue with two of his fingers post-shit during one of many passages necessitated by the inadequate paper. “That’s the closest anything has ever come to going up my ass,” Olson said.

Artery
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Culver’s frequent flyer “never expected” colossal heart attack

By Savannah McHugh | Nov. 16, 2017

Local Culver’s loyalist Bobby McButtery was caught completely off-guard when his heart violently attacked him Monday evening. “I was just sitting down to my dinner of a Bacon Butterburger and deep-fried cheese curds when I noticed my arm started to hurt, and I suddenly had a general feeling of impending doom,” McButtery said from his hospital bed on Tuesday morning.

Daily Cardinal
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Trump’s visit rekindles international flame in China

By Samantha Munro Jones | Nov. 13, 2017

Due to a past of neglecting every “Jane” that was supposed to be a “John” and allegations of Fido being the main course for lunch every Thursday, China has transitioned to being a country based solely off love, acceptance, and forgiveness.  The country’s new policy was enacted recently when the President of the United States, Donald Trump, left for his visit to this Asian country.

Windmills and Sailboats on the Ocean
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EPA chief Scott Pruitt says wind turbines are responsible for recent increase in hurricane activity

By Marc Tost | Nov. 9, 2017

In a move that continues this week’s trend of surprising decisions from President Trump’s executive branch, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, announced that he would demand a large-scale investigation into the role that off-shore wind turbines played in the series of devastating hurricanes that hit Florida and Texas this summer.  At a press conference on Tuesday, Pruitt made the announcement directly after a 15-minute speech about the benefits of coal.

Scotty P
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EPA scientists using government funds to inhale computer cleaner

By Patrick Hoeppner and Savannah McHugh | Nov. 2, 2017

A recent WikiLeaks article revealed that the scientists have been using tax revenue to purchase computer cleaner, inhaling an average of ten bottles per scientist per day. “Seeing that their contributions to the government and our environment are being strategically and intentionally eroded and invalidated, it makes sense to see that our staff as a whole is succumbing to an inhalant addiction which will make as large a dent in our ozone layer as possible,” an EPA representative said at a press conference.  “Sales of computer cleaner are off the charts,” a supply chain representative of Staples said.

Bucky Badger does pushups
FOOTBALL

Actor who plays Bucky Badger bringing work home with him, girlfriend says

By Dylan Anderson | Nov. 2, 2017

Aaron Thatcher, an actor who portrays University of Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger has been struggling to separate his work and home life lately, according to his girlfriend. In an exclusive interview with The Daily Cardinal, Thatcher’s girlfriend Alexis Martin divulged that he has now assumed the role of Bucky at all times. “I don’t even recognize him anymore,” Martin, who lives with Thatcher, said.

DJ Khaled alledgely swallowed 24 cases of Mentos throughout October.
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DJ Khaled concert awesome: this article sponsored by Mentos Gum™

By Jared Holloway | Nov. 2, 2017

Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert.  Thanks to Mentos Gum™, students were able to stand in a dark crowded room and watch DJ Khaled play his Spotify on shuffle and ask the audience for applause.

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