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Lizzo DNA test results leaked, reveals she is only 98.63 percent That Bitch
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 17, 2019Lizzo faces much controversy following the leak of her DNA test.
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Dumb baby wearing "I will change the world" t-shirt accused of not knowing anything about poverty, climate change or humankind's inherent evil
By Bailey Hills | Oct. 10, 2019Dumb, ignorant baby defiantly tries to prove that he can in fact keep his head up during tummy time.
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Bucky Badger comes out as a furry
By Allyson Fergot | Oct. 10, 2019Bucky running from all his haters.
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Anonymous whistleblower report reveals Trump committed crimes against humanity
By Nick Rawling | Oct. 10, 2019In wake of striking accusations against Trump in anonymous whistleblower report, some still want to be friends.
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Riding the 80: an etiquette handbook
By Bailey Hills | Oct. 3, 2019A rare photograph of the 80 when all of the etiquette rules are followed.
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Madison area study reveals teen pregnancy rate among males has been stagnant for years
By Madison Moore | Oct. 3, 2019Pregnant teen male.
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Smartass wants everyone to know he's confused why The Daily Cardinal is only published once per week
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 3, 2019Smartass wants everyone to know he’s confused why he can only find The Daily Cardinal on stands once a week.
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Dear Beauty
By Je La Anjale Que Walton | Sep. 26, 2019Dear Beauty, so often so judgemental on the outskirts of am I enough? do I focus on your definition or what society has defined you as or better yet my definition of you yourself and I am reminded of chiseled lines and opposite parentheticals not of my own appearance but of who I have defined as enough not because you said so but because i’ve ignored your message of free defining of free will to be your name and in retrospect my definition has created a push for my own aesthetic for my own existence and worth allowing judgement free judgement leaving a contradicting love for you and of me for your definition never used a limit and here I have because ease is a better pain than acceptance and i’d rather hold what is filled in my sack than to confront your truth to reframe my mind to know what I knew before and to repeat your name in the remembrance of my great grandmother before me and how you both whispered to my mother’s womb there is no such thing as enough
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Well-known chain coffee shop's disappointing rewards program forces members to redefine 'loyalty'
By Bailey Hills | Sep. 19, 2019“In my book, loyalty is a two-way street,” “My cheating ex-husband has more integrity,” and “Capitalism must die!” are just a few of the remarks from frustrated members of a well-known chain coffee shop’s loyalty program.
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‘Der Rathskeller’ Faces Lawsuit After Incident of “Poor Pickle Placement”
By Jordan Simon | Sep. 19, 2019Professor Allenson being rushed to the hospital following a life-threatening soggy french-fry allergic reaction.
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Man regrets wearing old, battered Billy Joel t-shirt on scenic vacation
By Bailey Hills | Sep. 19, 2019Man makes fool of himself by wearing an unfitting t-shirt while posing for pictures in front of breathtaking waterfall.
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Self-proclaimed coffee drinker 'only in the game' for prestige and caramel drizzle
By Bailey Hills | Sep. 12, 2019Self-proclaimed coffee drinker goes undetected for yet another day.
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Dropped pledges don't hold back on spilling the tea on sorority recruitment at UW-Madison
By Natalie Tinsen and Bailey Hills | Sep. 12, 2019Dropped pledges wince away from Langdon Street as they take their place on the sidelines.
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UW-Madison freshman experiences 7 stages of grief after losing Juul at party
By Jordan Simon | Sep. 12, 2019Rebecca takes an extra long hit from her beloved Juul, something she will never again take for granted.
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Incoming freshman blissfully unsure all her hopes for upcoming year to be ruthlessly crushed by inevitable
By Nick Rawling | Sep. 3, 2019Jillian Rollins has high hopes for her freshman year at UW-Madison but will soon realize all her hopes and dreams will come crashing down.
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Returning students hope renovations to Regent Street McDonald’s included functioning ice cream machine
By Bailey Hills | Aug. 20, 2019McDonald’s worker hands a dismayed woman the portion of a vanilla cone they are equipped to produce.
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Father in favor of gun control achieves intimidation factor by cleaning toy rifle when greeting daughter’s boyfriend
By Bailey Hills | Aug. 20, 2019BigDaddy06 showing up his impressive collection of imitation guns.
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I haven’t had a dream
By Kellen Sharp | Jun. 12, 2019I’m a black male in America and I’m sick of writing poems about a being black male in America
